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The Dreaded Public Bathroom!
When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line
of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's
Your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall
Is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly
Knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the
Door won't latch. It doesn't matter.
The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's
Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the
door hook, if there were one, but there isn't - so you carefully but
Quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her
Grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and
Assume "The Stance."
In this position your toneless thigh muscles begin to shake.
You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to
Wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."
To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what
You discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your
Mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had
tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet
paper!" Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that
You blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. That
would have to do.
You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than
Your thumbnail. Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch
doesn't work.
The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in
Front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward
Against the tank of the toilet.
"Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your
Precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose
Your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT.
It is wet of course.
You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare
Bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form
On the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper -
Not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.
You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew,
Because, you're certain, her bare bottom never touched a public
Toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what
Kind of *******s you could get."
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is
So confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a
Firehose that somehow sucks everything down with such force that
You grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being
Dragged in too. At that point, you give up.
You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat.
You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in
Your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You
Can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic
Sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel
And walk past the line of women, still waiting.
You are no longer able to smile politely to them.
A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of
Toilet paper trailing from your ****. ( Where was that when you
NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your ****, plunk it the
woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered,
Used and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took
You so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"
This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public
Restroom (rest??? you've got to be kidding!!).
It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also
Answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to
The restroom in pairs.. It's so the other gal can hold the door,
hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door
of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's
Your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall
Is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly
Knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the
Door won't latch. It doesn't matter.
The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's
Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the
door hook, if there were one, but there isn't - so you carefully but
Quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her
Grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and
Assume "The Stance."
In this position your toneless thigh muscles begin to shake.
You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to
Wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."
To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what
You discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your
Mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had
tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet
paper!" Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that
You blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. That
would have to do.
You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than
Your thumbnail. Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch
doesn't work.
The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in
Front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward
Against the tank of the toilet.
"Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your
Precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose
Your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT.
It is wet of course.
You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare
Bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form
On the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper -
Not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.
You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew,
Because, you're certain, her bare bottom never touched a public
Toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what
Kind of *******s you could get."
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is
So confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a
Firehose that somehow sucks everything down with such force that
You grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being
Dragged in too. At that point, you give up.
You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat.
You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in
Your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You
Can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic
Sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel
And walk past the line of women, still waiting.
You are no longer able to smile politely to them.
A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of
Toilet paper trailing from your ****. ( Where was that when you
NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your ****, plunk it the
woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered,
Used and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took
You so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"
This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public
Restroom (rest??? you've got to be kidding!!).
It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also
Answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to
The restroom in pairs.. It's so the other gal can hold the door,
hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door
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