The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

[Vasili]

This is the place to find something to make you smile, giggle, laugh yourself out of your chair, and generally lift your spirits!

You can post your joke, riddle, observation, or whatever you think your VodaPeers would enjoy, along with your comments and regular "funny-business" to be shared by all.

The point is to have one thread to always find a smile within the ever-changing Community we share.

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I'll start with this one:

Bubba went to a psychiatrist. "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy." "Put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears." "How much do you charge?" "Eighty dollars per visit," replied the psychiatrist. "I'll sleep on it," said Bubba. Six months later the psychiatrist met Bubba on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist. "Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money I went and bought me a new pickup!" "Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now."

Who says rednecks are stupid?

[LadyEye]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

Great idea Vasili ....

haha ... good one .... I wonder what the cure for "Ghosts in my closet" might be? lol

Team Canada has me smiling today!!

[Vasili]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

Dunno.....but here's another one!

BEARS

A Priest, a Pentecostal Preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of the

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the "experience".

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle.. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus"

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

Rabbi Lipschitz looks up and struggles to speak to the others. "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start things out"

[Dream Lady]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

hahahahaha

[bill2006]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

lol
Funny.

[SChajin]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

Oh, Mr. V thats a good one!

[C L]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

lol funny Vasili

[Dream Lady]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store.


As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the post office is?"


The little boy replied, "Sure, just go straight down The street a couple of blocks and turn to your right."


The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town, and I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."


The little boy replied with a chuckle, "Awww, come on; you don't even know the way to the post office!"

[Dream Lady]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

Marriage (Part I ) Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said:
"No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not."

(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)

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Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary !

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!"

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!"

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)

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Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer to the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)

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Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four."

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

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THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

[LadyEye]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

"No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not."

lol No 2nd opinion needed on this one ..... uhuh, darn good!!


Good Ones Cindy ....

[Vasili]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

Good, Cindy.....good ones!
LOL

[Dream Lady]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH

[choco777]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

Hilarious Cindy....ironic that frigid usually leads to stiffness...hmmmmmmm

[Collectors-info]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

Like it.
Are there bets on which member of the VH team this is??.

[Dream Lady]

Re: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

THE DAM LETTER
Read the whole thing. First is an actual letter sent
to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department
of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. His response is hilarious,
but read the State's letter first.

-----------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of
Environmental Quality that there has been recent
unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel
of property. You have been certified as the legal
landowner and/or contractor who did the following
unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams
across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this
type of activity. A review of the department's files
shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the
Department has determined that this activity is in
violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of
the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act,
Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections
324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws,
annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of
the dams partially failed during a recent rain event,
causing debris and flooding at downstream locations.
We find that dams of this nature are inherently
hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department
therefore orders you to cease and desist all
activities at this location, and to restore the stream
to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and
brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All
restoration work shall be completed no later than
January 31, 2005.

Please notify this office when the restoration has
been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may
be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this
request or any further unauthorized activity on the
site may result in this case being referred for
elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would
appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.
Please feel free to contact me at this office if you
have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price, District Representative
Land and Water Management Division


__________________________________________________ __
** Here is the actual response sent back by Mr.
DeVries: *
__________________________________________________ __

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;
Montcalm County.

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/04 has been handed
to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not
the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A
couple of beavers are in the process of constructing
and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the
outlet stream of my Spring Pond.

While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise
their dam project, I think they would be highly
offended that you call their skillful use of natures
building materials "debris." I would like to challenge
your department to attempt to emulate their dam
project any time and/or any place you choose.

I believe I can safely state there is no way you
could ever match their dam skills, their dam
resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam
persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam
work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are
aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior
to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying
to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or (2)
do you require all beavers throughout this state to
conform to said dam request? If you are not
discriminating against these particular beavers,
through the Freedom of Information Act, I request
completed copies of all those other applicable beaver
dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see
if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland
Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and
Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public
Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101to 324.30113 of
the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is; aren't
the beavers entitled to legal representation ? The
Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are
unable to pay for said representation -- so the State
will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The
Department's dam concern that either one or both of
the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing
flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence,
which the Department is required to protect. In other
words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone
rather than harassing them and calling their dam
names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow
condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are
going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any
attention to your dam letter, they being unable to
read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a
right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the
sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows
downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to
live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of
Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives
up to its name, it should protect the natural
resources(Beavers) and the environment (Beavers'
Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this
dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement
action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2005? The Spring
Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there
will be no way for you or your dam staff to
contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your
attention to a real environmental quality (health)
problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are
actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe
you should be persecuting the defecating bears and
leave the beavers alone. If you are going to
investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The
bears are not careful where they dump!)
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and
being unable to contact you on your dam answering
machine, I am sending this response to your dam
office.

THANK YOU.

RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS