Thread: Check out my 1st Sales Letter !

Hi Everyone,

How about taking a look at my 1st Sales Letter created with BlueVoda? Do give me any feedback, please.

http://www.the-kidzgrow.com


Thanks in Advance,
Roger Loh
Internet Marketing Resources: www.InternetMarketing101.biz

Very nice!

It looks ok. I think the real proof will be the feedback from successful users.

I agree with the above comment - some quotes from users would be good.
It looks a typical webpage of this sort - I wonder whether less highlighting might be better. You want to appear knowledgeable in this subject, and I am not sure you are quite hitting it yet - looks slightly amateurish. Your customers need to have confidence in you from the start.

This looks very much like the 'get rich quick' schemes that are advertised - I think it is all the highlighting, not sure what else to suggest.

Thanks alot for your feedback I do realize it takes quite a bit of effort to take a look and comment.

Oh yes, it's REALLY my 1st Sales Letter... I guess when I hit my 20th letter, when I look back, it will be quite meaningful.

I've revised it a little - would appreciate you have a 2nd look...


Cheers,
Roger

Originally Posted by limebrook1

I agree with the above comment - some quotes from users would be good.
It looks a typical webpage of this sort - I wonder whether less highlighting might be better. You want to appear knowledgeable in this subject, and I am not sure you are quite hitting it yet - looks slightly amateurish. Your customers need to have confidence in you from the start.

This looks very much like the 'get rich quick' schemes that are advertised - I think it is all the highlighting, not sure what else to suggest.

Looks nice. You've done a good job. Have to agree with others on more info needed. Maybe some letters from users- link to the study you sited.
Maybe even a little demo. Hard to spend that kinda money you a promise with out being able to look at what I'm buying.

Also- who are you? What is your drive to offer this product (mission statement)? If I have questions- whom do I contact and where? Is there a money back guarantee?

Keep up the good work. Web building is lots of fun.

Andy

Hi Roger,

I'm in Singapore too! Didn't make the conference but neat to see that you did it. I'm just getting ready to start my site....wish me luck!

DG

in terms of design it's fun, and it looks well organised, and search engine friendly

I cannot say anything about the content yet, I would need the feedback from other users

good job!

It's a nice attempt but a little too vague.

No one actually speaks like this: "Do You Want Your Child To Grow HEALTHILY For The Price Of A Pizza Per Year"

Also, your 'do you want...' question can easily be answered with a "no" response.

When asking yes/no questions it must be a question that cannot be answered with a "no" response, or it must be a question the reader doesn't know the answer to.

Try rewriting several "classic" headlines. You may see an increase in visitors registering for your information.

Below are eleven starter headlines. Just finish off each with a complete sentence and you'll have more powerful headlines than 'grow healthily'.

If you need help completing these just contact me through this forum or through my website.

- Who else wants...
- They scoffed when I said...
- 11 ways to ...
- A little mistake that can cost your children their...
- A new way to...
- Five simple ways to...
- How to avoid...
- How to make your...
- How to put your...
- Here's the latest updated information on...
- What never to feed your child under the age of (fourteen)

* Here's a secret about headlines. The real key to success is making sure the people who see your headline are people who ALREADY HAVE AN INTEREST IN THE TOPIC _BEFORE_ THEY ARRIVED TO YOUR SITE.

Trying to create interest in people who don't already have an interest is a losing proposition.

So, when you write your headlines make sure the headline appeals to your visitor's _existing_ interests or desires. That way you'll boost the ratio of visitors who actually plug their email addresses into your web form.

Hope this helps.

Andre
www.andrebell.com

PS: There are mistakes with this question too: "Do you want to know whether your child is developing normally at each stage of his development?"

Again, don't ask questions people can say "no" to.

- "How to..."
- "X # of ways to..."
- "Here's how to..."
- "Who else wants to..."

PPS: Roger, I have two copywriting guides you can have for free. The first is my 95-point copywriting checklist. The second is my report of 32 fatal copywriting mistakes everyone is making. Just let me know if you want them and where to email them. There's no charge to you and I never spam. I think you have potential so I make these available to you for free. Nothing asked in return.

Originally Posted by AndreBell

It's a nice attempt but a little too vague.
Just let me know if you want them and where to email them. There's no charge to you and I never spam. I think you have potential so I make these available to you for free. Nothing asked in return.

Interesting....your domain and site, Andre, (new since April '06) makes the same exact offer.....which is strikingly similar to the VodaHost recommended "Internet Marketing" series.....and since you are not even hosted here, wouldn't that technically be SPAMMING the Forum??
Bell, Andre ?????????@economicbooster.com
Domain servers in listed order:
NS1.PANAWEB.CO.UK
NS2.PANAWEB.CO.UK
WHATEVER!

I do agree with some of the comments offered above by your VodaPeers: do not ask"Yes/No" questions - only how to fulfill (where do I send, How many do you want?, When can I expect your review? etc.) This clearly sets the role of you as a preferred provider.
And, rather than state a partial list of Privacy, simply provide a link to your FULL Policy....this merely serves to perk the interest.....be professional by providing access to the hesitant, but don't grasp for credibility that is already "assumed" (since you are already primed to "fulfill" moreso than strive..).

rogerloh:

I think it's a great index page. With the addition of button links (testamonials, about us, surveys, etc.) your site should be complete.
Although your page is well within the 800w format, you might try centering in in page properties.

P.S. When making your additional pages don't forget to use all lower case
when naming them. That one got me for a while.

Good luck

I don't get it, am I looking for pizza or kids?
Must be too early in the morning for me.

* Here's a secret about headlines. The real key to success is making sure the people who see your headline are people who ALREADY HAVE AN INTEREST IN THE TOPIC _BEFORE_ THEY ARRIVED TO YOUR SITE.

Trying to create interest in people who don't already have an interest is a losing proposition.

So, when you write your headlines make sure the headline appeals to your visitor's _existing_ interests or desires. That way you'll boost the ratio of visitors who actually plug their email addresses into your web form.

Hope this helps.

Andre
www.andrebell.com

PS: There are mistakes with this question too: "Do you want to know whether your child is developing normally at each stage of his development?"

Again, don't ask questions people can say "no" to.

- "How to..."
- "X # of ways to..."
- "Here's how to..."
- "Who else wants to..."

PPS: Roger, I have two copywriting guides you can have for free. The first is my 95-point copywriting checklist. The second is my report of 32 fatal copywriting mistakes everyone is making. Just let me know if you want them and where to email them. There's no charge to you and I never spam. I think you have potential so I make these available to you for free. Nothing asked in return.[/quote]

Hi!

I read your advice to him, I do want to learn about the web design and it is a big help if u can sent me your copywriting checklist too my email add ladyzhardix03******.com

I read your advice to him, I do want to learn about the web design and it is a big help if u can sent me your copywriting checklist too my email add ladyzhardix03******.com I'am working in a computer shop and it is big help to me if i do learn about web design and doing some advertisement of this shop thanks........

I don't know anything about the 'technically spamming thingy'... I do know I'm not asking for anything in return. No $$, no donations, no email addresses, nada.

In fact, though others must register on my site to get the checklist, anyone here can get the checklist without registering.

The direct link is http://www.andrebell.com/95.html

Just go there and right click where it says to 'right click'. Then save the file to your desktop or whereever. Then start writing better copy.

Oh, another thing with headlines... if your prospect knows of your product and already wants the benefits of your product, create a headline that mentions your product.

On the otherhand, if your product is unknown start with the desire your prospect already has.

Example:

"Who else wants ad copy that sucks in tons of cash and attracts thousands of hungry cash-crazy clients?"

Use that slant for an unknown product

"Who else wants to discover Claude Hopkins' "super secret" insider copywriting methods that..."

That headline would work only if a person knows who claude hopkins was, and if the person is interested in what claude knows. The headline is worthless for trying to sell to anyone else.

You can learn more about writing good headlines from Breakthrough Advertising by Eugene Schwartz.

It's a very effective, but hard to read book.

See if you can check it out from your local libray before plopping down the $95 asking price. You'll learn tons about writing copy that works from that book -- if you actually read it and not fall asleep trying

Andre
PS: I found Robert's request for help on google. No clue what I was searching for back then but you can search google for my domain name and you'll see I don't spam forums. Whatever.

Hello,
the problem I see with this
"Do You Want Your Child To Grow HEALTHILY For The Price Of A Pizza Per Year" It looks like you want to sell somthing cheap, and mixing up pizza don´t think its a good idea,
Parents want the best for there children and that doesn´t mean there going to pay lots of money for nothing but I wouldn´t even dare to find out more about what you even want to sell not for my kids. find the correct words to make confidence, give more information and work out more your presentation. Your page is too ...... cheap lets say it that way.
well its my opinion

Call me jaded, but I think the net has evolved past that type of hype. My first impression - another ebook of yada yada yada for $20.00. Run away, run away! sorry,

I have to agree with most of the above comments... As a businessman, I need to create an intrest before I make an offer. It needs to be straightforward, simple and to the point ("an offer I can't refuse").
At first I thought you had some kind of parental manual (like the one I wish I had when my twins were born), then It was related to child developement (as cheap as pizza) then back to parenting. Get my drift, I am confused about exactly what it is you are offering. I think you have the right idea, you just need to re-think the wording.
As always, we are more than willing to help and suggest what we think might work best for you...and it's free! Take advantage of this... I did and it made a world of difference for me.

I am a bit leary when it comes to giving out my email address or any information, so I would agree with some of the other posts, more information is needed. Good efforts!

Hey Roger,
One good way to get real good, real quick is to find successful examples of copy you can emulate (not copy word-for-word).

I just came across this site and immediately thought of you (I'm in no way associated with the site, nor do I know any of the parties): http://www.increaseyourchildsiq.com/

I think if you print that sales letter then rewrite it by hand a couple of times 9not type it on your computer) you will gain a huge insight into what makes copy work online. Especially since it appears you are targeting the same market.

Oh, for everyone who wanted the report explaining how to fix the 32 Fatal Copywriting Mistakes everyone is making, but had troubles accessing the pdf, go to http://www.andrebell.com/32_copywriting_mistakes/

The complete report is now online and readable from your browser -- no need to buy or request the pdf version. Nothing requested in return and no web forms to fill out or other nonsense.

I've no idea how long I will leave the report available for free to the public, but it's there if you want to read it.

I hope something I posted here proves profitable.

Andre

rogerloh:

I couldn't agree more with AndreBell, and if they are in this forum I know they would be happy to tell you how they did what you like.

I love it mate

so plain .. it would be better if there is more designs on it .. rather just colors ... give it more kiddy touch ...