Thread: New From Sweden

Hi every!!
This going to be interested, I have never join any Forum earlier in
English so I going to do my very best so you can understand what I´m talking about in my Swinglish.
I´m a golfnut and starting to make a website with golf and I found Voda on the web and it looks great, but first a couple of story related to golf.

Keep in tough

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.

"Will you use it to gamble?"

"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"

"Are you NUTS!!?? I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars, instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doin' that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."

The man replied, "Hey, man, that's OK! I just want her to see what a man
looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf!"
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A man was invited to play at his friend's course and during the round he felt the call of nature, was far away from the toilets and so he went behind a tree believing that he was unobserved.
However, on a parallel fairway, three lady members were playing. As they passed they were surprised to observe just a very private part of a man's anatomy protruding from around the tree.
"He's certainly not my husband, I can tell you that," said the first lady.
"Disgusting! I'm glad he's not mine either, " said the second lady.
"It really is an outrage," said the third. "He's not even a club member!"
Regards
Stefan

Welcome Stefan! There are a couple fellow golfers here that are just gonna love these!...hehe...
Good luck with your new site!

Thank´s
I will do my very best.
Stefan

Welcome Stefan

Thank´s C L
//Stefan

By the way - I think your Swinglish is perfectly understandable!...good job!

In just a moment I get answered.
Thats greate, so here is a new story.
//Stefan

One bright Sunday morning, Jim was addressing his ball and going through all of his usual pre shot routines when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker - " would the golfer on the Ladies tee please play from the men's tee!"
Ignoring this call, Jim continued with his shot routine. The call was repeated, "Would the golfer on the Ladies tee please play from the men's tee!!"
This time Jim was annoyed. "Would the announcer kindly shut up and let me play my second shot!"
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Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The
Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them:

"Itsa illegal to putta fiva people ina Quattro."

"What do you mean it's illegal?" asked the Englishmen.

"Quattro means four," replies the Italian official.

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retort
disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5
persons."

"You can'ta pulla thata one ona me," replies the Italian customs agent.
"Quattro means four. You hava fiva people ina your car and you are
therefore breakin'a the law".

The Englishmen reply angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over - We want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds the Italian official, "he can'ta come. He'sa busy with two guys in a Fiat Uno."

Thank´s for now
//Stefan

welcome and great jokes .....

sometimes it is just not worth it to take one literally eh!! gets you in trouble ... lol

Funny stuff Stephan!....looks like I have compitition!....lol
I shall name you my junior morale officer!....

Welcome and keep us laughing have fun and enjoy vodaland....

Hi
I have some difficulty to translate this but I hope it will works.

4 Question, dont look on the answer down the page, just answer quickly at the 4 question and then look the answer. Here we go.

1: You are participate in a race, you go past the person on second place, what position do you have now?

2: If you go past the last person in the race, what is your position?

3: Some mathematics, use yoyr head, no paper, no pens.
Take 1000, add 40
Add 1000
Add 30
Add 1000
Add 20
Add 1000
Add 10
What you get?

4: Marias father has five daughter: Nana, Nene, Nini, Nono.
Whats the name of the fifth daughter?





The key
1: If you answerd first place, you are wrong. If you past the person in second place, you will take his place, you are in second place.

2: If your answer is second last you are wrong, you cant past the last person if you are in that position.

3: You got 5000, The answer is 4100.
Check with paper and pen.

4: Nunu? Nyny? Nånå? NONO? of course he name is Maria.

That´s for now
//Stefan

Very good questions.
and good luck with the site.

Here some more
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And, who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure and I cant be telling you, Father. I dont want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I am sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it
Brenda OMalley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I will never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"Im sorry, but I cant name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration.
"You are a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you have sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now." Tommy walks back to his pew.
His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What did you get?"
"Three months vacation and five good leads," says Tommy.
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A couple met at Hilton Head and fell in love. They were discussing how they would continue the relationship after their vacations were over.

"It's only fair to warn you Jody." he said. "I'm a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep and breathe golf."

"Well, since you're being honest, so will I." Jody said. "I'm a hooker."

"I see." he said. Then brightening, he smiled. "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
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Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it
started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end,
put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely. She is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately he asks what brand she prefers.
"Doesn't matter, son, as long as it fits a Camel."
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That´s for now

Welcome Stefan! These are great jokes!! Kate you better watch out! Hope ***** doesn't pull these....

Hi... anybody out there into scouting ... or any outdoor activites... I run a cubscout group , rockclimb, conoe, swim,hike, cross country track... and i'm not a spring chicken either

Welcome Spring Chicken wanna be! haha...Seriously, welcome to the forum. My 8 yr old is a cub scout. My husband is the Den Leader. I'm not to involved, but they sure do alot! Hiking, sports, tours, popcorn sales and more popcorn sales. Anyway, I think my hubby is into scouting more than my 8 yr old. He is has always been a wanna be scout, so now is his chance! Welcome again!

Here again

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barbers chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his haircut. The barber smiles at her and says,
"Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."
"I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get tits too."
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Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that
one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.......
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See you