Thread: Company Policy

Brad I think you should get the Voda Team doing all below :)

VERY IMPORTANT NOTICE TO ALL EMPLOYEES

Company Policy: Effective from April 2006

Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your
salary. If we see you wearing ***** ***** and carrying a *****
bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do
not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage
your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not
need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to
be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctors statement as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Annual Leave Days
Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a year. They
are called Saturday & Sunday.

Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do
for deadfriends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to
have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the
late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your
lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is
now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end
of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will
retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After
your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company
bulletin board under the Chronic offenders category.

Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the
company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat
more, sothat they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes
for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby
people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink
a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to
provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions,
comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's,
consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Regards,

The Management

This sounds just like my job as a civil servant!!! Did you pull this off the wall of a jobcentre staff room wall????? You forgot to mention about health and saftey tho.....tut tut. At present the following are not allowed in our office due to health and saftey.

Drying up cloths
Fridges
microwaves
christmas decorations
birthday cards

And a few more i can't remember about or it's so stupid that you really wouldn't remember it. lol

haha..good one.

lol

Nice one.....lol

And people wonder why I am so set on shifting Sales to telecommuter positions.....

LOL

(it is much easier to deal only with issues regarding caffeine levels when sitting in front of the monitor at my desk)

lol .... sounds like it was written by a company policy abuser ... one who stayed in the stall longer than three minutes ... lol

< or pulled the fire alarm too many times....or barricaded the cafeteria to get all the cheese danish......or covered an entire office with sticky notes.....or hid all the telephone reciever cords.....or removed every bottle of whiteout in an effort to stress accuracy.....you get the idea! >

LOL

yeah lol .... sounds just like the time, oh my back when, as a class we hid ourselves from our teacher, Mr. Christie and when found we yelled "Mr. Christie, you make good cookies" lol ..... there wasn't a thing he could do with us, he loved it, he was truly special 4 sure .... oh my ....