Thread: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

Huh???

Apparently being follically disadvantaged is more debillatating than I first imagined....

Subject: Kids in Church



KIDS IN CHURCH

3-year-old Reese:

"Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One particular four-year-old prayed,

"And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service,

"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

Lol, some I can relate to.

Too true, Bill! Sometimes, it seems these are "blasts from the past" and things today are so different.....


THE FUNERAL

Max died. His Will provided $50,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last attendees left, Max's wife Rose turned to her oldest friend Sadie and said, "Well, I'm sure Max would be pleased."

"I'm sure you're right," replied Sadie, who leaned in close and lowered her voice to a whisper. "Tell me, how much did it really cost?"

"All of it," said Rose. "Fifty thousand."

"No!" Sadie exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but really... $50,000?"

Rose nodded. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the shul for the Rabbi's services. The shiva food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."

Sadie computed quickly. "$42,500 for a memorial stone? Oy vey, how big is it?"

"A little over three carats!"

I don't know if this will work, but I'll try it. If it doesn't work, maybe someone can tell me how to post an mp3 file here.

Middle Aged Woman

Voda TV Presents

Error: unsupported media type.

LOL!
Don't feel too bad....I don't know how to "post" vid's myself!
(Maybe they have to be .wav files, and not MP3 or Quicktime?)

Originally Posted by Dream Lady

I don't know if this will work, but I'll try it. If it doesn't work, maybe someone can tell me how to post an mp3 file here.

Middle Aged Woman


LISA_KOCH-Middle_Aged.mp3

Cindy, I want you to get this mp3 up there, it is awesome ...

Anyway, what you do is you need to load the mp3 to a page on your site and the get the url, just the same as you do for an image .... but instead insert the url in between the media tags - the big blue M on the far right of this posting area ... you need one in front of the url and one at the end of it ...

MurlM

Lisa Koch! How did you find her? She is hysterical. I have several CDs of her's, one is called 'You Make My Pants Pound, and Other Show Tunes..' (!)
she is really funny live, too, if you ever get the chance......

Thanks Holly! I did everything up to a point. I selected the url and then clicked on the M. But what you're saying is that I should have clicked on the M then the url then clicked on the M again?

Originally Posted by Dream Lady

Thanks Holly! I did everything up to a point. I selected the url and then clicked on the M. But what you're saying is that I should have clicked on the M then the url then clicked on the M again?

Well you just need an M on either side of the url, maybe you don't have to click it twice .... I know some I have been able to put on and some I have not been able to put on ... but at the very least you can post the link as a hyperlink, with what looks like the blue world and a piece of chain icon, sitting about mid point in the task menu there ... but check the url, too, it needs to be perfect right ... u know ...

I give up..

Originally Posted by Dream Lady

LISA_KOCH-Middle_Aged.mp3

It's a quiet one ... lol

change the name of it cindy, if you can, and try again ...

lol

< this thread now messes up my IDM....it keeps looking for a non-existant file to download! >
Please post it so I can run smoothly again? Whew!
(never knew it was this difficult to keep a smile on!)

Hey Erik...what is an IDM??? I gave up...maybe holly can throw it up there for all to listen to. Erik, don't you know that smiles are hard to come by but easy to pass on!! lol

No, Cindy, you're not messing anything up!
It just goes to show that I can't even control my own computer, let alone my appetite!
LOLOL

IDM = Internet Download Manager -- the utility ***** suggested to organize all the downloads and "file management" ..... not cheap, not expensive, and is actually pretty neat....but it always jumps up to download everything (which can be annoying, especially on websites created by BV for example). Haven't figured out how to turn it into an "option": it's either on or off. > catches a lot of spurrious/nefarious downloads <

http://www.internetdownloadmanager.com

Click Here

Well at least we have it ... sometimes it doesn't work Cindy .. dunno why????

Refresh Cindy ... lol

Anything you wanna add ... hee hee

Hey Cindy, I just looked at your link, and think, all you forgot was the domain where you uploaded it to ... other than that, your link would work, I think !!

Thanks Holly! She is funny!! I've never heard of her, but apparently Liz is very familiar with her. I'll have to go do a little research. Funny...I think her voice sounds a tad like Mandy's.

Thanks Erik for the IDM info. Have you ever heard of this lady before?

Originally Posted by Dream Lady

Thanks Holly! She is funny!! I've never heard of her, but apparently Liz is very familiar with her. I'll have to go do a little research. Funny...I think her voice sounds a tad like Mandy's.

Thanks Erik for the IDM info. Have you ever heard of this lady before?

I don't believe I have, but I agree about sounding a tad like Mandy, in fact I told Mandy she needed to sing it. In fact it will be great on our trip won't it ... lol ....... practice singing and learning the words now Cindy, we'll want it!!!!

Originally Posted by Vasili

IDM = Internet Download Manager -- the utility ***** suggested to organize all the downloads and "file management" ..... not cheap, not expensive, and is actually pretty neat....but it always jumps up to download everything (which can be annoying, especially on websites created by BV for example). Haven't figured out how to turn it into an "option": it's either on or off. > catches a lot of spurrious/nefarious downloads <

http://www.internetdownloadmanager.com

I do all my own downloading, and I am in total control ....
hee hee hee ...

What's the use if the files are all garbled?
Hoo-Hoo-Hoo.......OK, running now since things are flying at me!

Originally Posted by Vasili

What's the use if the files are all garbled?
Hoo-Hoo-Hoo.......OK, running now since things are flying at me!

lol .... I think the american internet connection is not comparable to the canadians ... I don't know ... half of what seems to ail, doesn't ail us here ... or at least not me ... I don't know ....

No need to be running now, you'll be having to do enuf of that on your trip ...

Where ya goin Eric? Somewhere exotic I hope!

San Soucci, Jamaica, 4th-12th....
(Issa himself is "sneaking me in" to be alone in luxury)

Bee will be on the other side at a wedding, and the only "side trip" left is to look up Cat. Stanley for a day of fishing, I guess....
Me, my laptop, the sun, and the epitome of luxury that is only San Soucci..........................

Well, Eric, I hope you have a wonderful, relaxing time! I just put my hubby on a plane this morning for Hawaii and here I sit with snow and cold. I'm sooooo jealous.

Oh, Cindy! Don't be!
Believe you me, there is nothing quite like being in a real home, full of memories and love.....

yeah well there is alot to be said for sand and sun, I say..

Originally Posted by larazovich

yeah well there is alot to be said for sand and sun, I say..

Okay Liz, just so you know ... we are having a snow storm here and there is a ton of ice mixed with this snow, and real windy and yeah, so you know what I think of the sun and sand .... it's all white!! Hey Cindy, I'm with you in all that white stuff .... hmmmmmmm.....

oohhh well bummer about the snowstorm. We have had about a week of rain, but just spring rain, mostly.. Today it stopped, and it was about 70 degrees outside, first day with the doors and windows open all day It was heavenly..

Originally Posted by larazovich

oohhh well bummer about the snowstorm. We have had about a week of rain, but just spring rain, mostly.. Today it stopped, and it was about 70 degrees outside, first day with the doors and windows open all day It was heavenly..

Well Liz, just cause you made that sound so good, I am now gonna go and open all my windows and doors, this snow is not gonna get me down ... lol
I wanna look like an "icicle" too ....

Originally Posted by larazovich

yeah well there is alot to be said for sand and sun, I say..

I loved living in Florida, Liz, but there are times I longed for real dirt between my toes!
(And it does get old looking like a big shrimp most of the year!)

While I'm gone, you think you and LadyEye can fill this thread up with some free smiles for our friends?

I am sure everyone would appreciate it immensely.....seems rather droll in VT recently!

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and quietly talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church! Everyone started screaming... and running for the front entrance, trampling each other, in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty.... except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving.... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Satan walked up to the man and asked, "Do you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man in an even tone.

"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all
eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you are still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The elderly man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

A good one Eric.
Yep Ladyand I will keep it rollin' for ya

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston, Texas. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.

The deputy says," License and registration, please."

"What for?" says the lawyer.

The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

"You still didn't come to a complete stop," says the deputy. “License and registration, please."

The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

"The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says,
"Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

lol, who had the brains?

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass, what made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn came to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right ?"

Murphy slowly shook his head and said, "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."

lol Bill ...

Here's one .... lol

Possibly the best Chicken Joke Ever!!

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against
the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says;

"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the Parish. A leading Senator and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had and affair with his boss's wife; taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.

I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.".....

Just as the priest finished his talk, the republican senator arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."

Moral: NEVER, NEVER, NEVER BE LATE

LE, Outstanding!!!

Bill, Reall nice one, Bill.

Vasilli, sounds like LAPD all over again.

A Republican Senator Liz? Not real conservative huh?
Nice joke.

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven.

He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available. He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.

All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An 'R'! They left out the 'R'."

God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is.

After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R' . . . the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"

A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: That the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued...and won! In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check, the Insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine

There's this fellow with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you," and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invectives that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets VERY quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

Person 1: Knock knock.
Person 2: Who's there?
Person 1: Control freak.
Person 1: Now you say "control freak who?"

Nice ones Liz!!

CATHOLIC DOG

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.

One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?


DONATION

Father O'Malley answers the phone.

"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"

"It is"

"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"

"I can"

"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"

"I do"

"Is he a member of your congregation?"

"He is"

"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"

"He will."


CONFESSION

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you ?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm telling everybody."


BROTHEL TRIP

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.

Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

"I'm 90 years old," he says.

"90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"

"Oh, sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?"


SENILITY

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."

"That's not senility," replied the doctor.

"Senility is when you forget to zip down."


PEST CONTROL

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company.

One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

"Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said,.."Why, them little bastards!"

Cindy,
Excellent, love the 90 yr. old in Brothel.

It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.

Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo.

When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?"

Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do. Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw?
I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says, "Whaaaat?"

"Yes," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening .

A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle s kirt with her saddle *****, and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost with breathless anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother:

"For Christ's sake Mom, how many times do I have to tell you? It's the Twist! It's called The Twist!"

Wisdom of Larry the Cable Guy:


1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last thinks the slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the
heck happened?"

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of
jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your *butt* tomorrow.

Subject: The talking clock....



A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

"What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock", the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend."

Yup", replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch", the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You freaking drunk! Don't you know it's one-fifteen in the morning??"

lol Good one Vasili ....

Isn't that so perfect,

I am rather glad that I do not live in such "close quarters" though ...

too funny ...

lol, some good ones Vasili

You girls are getting poofy! (there are a few ahead of this one, you know....apparently Robyn reads threads and Sistah does NOT!) LOL

nah na nah na na....LE lol


ssssssssh hiding some eggs...........

hey..........that's my job, oh well, hiding some more

Hiding eggs, or hiding threads?
Hmmmm.........

Anyone collect any good ones over the weekend?

Originally Posted by Vasili

Anyone collect any good ones over the weekend?

Yes, I had some filled with peanut butter, and the odd nut ...

But, Cindy seemed to do most of the collecting, wonder how that "sporty egg car" of her made out ...

Ah, you weren't asking about that, you were looking for a joke ... okay, well I hope I humored you anyway and Eye'll see what Eye can find!!

Standby for a "Real Good Nasty One" lol

Lose the inscet first, though....makes me "bug-eyed"!
LOL

A man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine, who's sitting by herself...

Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"
Maxine: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."

Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"

Maxine: "No, they spread."

Originally Posted by Vasili

Lose the inscet first, though....makes me "bug-eyed"!
LOL

Can't lose da bugger, lol, I like him too much, you see I've adopted him, maybe later ... lol and only if he finds a new home, now be nice if you are house looking for him ....

Is this you Vasili ... lol

Your bug is probably going to outlive my tenure in VT.....seems many of the threads I've posted in have suddenly "disappeared" after I have been unjustifiably "swatted" by malcontent NCO's to which I matter-of-factly replied (standing ground, as Race suggested earlier)........

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!!!

People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.........And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the the curtain rods!!!!!!

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

THREE THINGS TO THINK ABOUT:

1. COWS
2. THE CONSTITUTION, and
3. THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.

THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 Years and it's obvious we're not using it anymore.

TEN COMMANDMENTS
The real Reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse........
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians -- it creates a hostile work environment.

A PRIEST and a RABBI were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."
The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him, "Have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said "Shingles."
So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide cameout and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said "Shingles."
So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said "Shingles."
So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, took a urine specimen and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles.
The doctor asked, "Where?"
Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??"


And they say our Healthcare system is not professional enough, that we don't listen to patients!

LOL

Finally had a chance to read them all the way through!

Originally Posted by Vasili

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost one hundred years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps.

Vasili ....

I can't believe you are talking about me this way .... lol

Okay, no more bull eh!!


great jokes, keep them coming!!

Mooooo-vvve closer, m'Lady! It's cold today, and I love the way you warm me up!

LOL


And about the cows in Canada 100 years ago? It just goes to show you how ahead of the game things are up North!
And it does seem like all the bulls (and their skata) migrated South to Washington, right?
LOL

Originally Posted by Vasili

Mooooo-vvve closer, m'Lady! It's cold today, and I love the way you warm me up!

LOL


And about the cows in Canada 100 years ago? It just goes to show you how ahead of the game things are up North!
And it does seem like all the bulls (and their skata) migrated South to Washington, right?
LOL

lol ... hmmm ... that'd be the first for us, you all thinking "We are ahead of the game" ... hmmm ... thanks for that .. that's a big one in our books ...

Yes, everyone is definitely South of here ... udder than the odd newfie, lol ...

EVEN SWAP

O'Malley went into Gus's Pub and ordered a double whiskey. When it was brought he had changed his mind and ordered a double gin instead. After he downed the gin he headed for the door.

Just a minute said Gus, you never gave me anything fo the gin.

Ah, yes I did then, replied O'Malley, I gave you the double whiskey back.

But you didn't pay for the whiskey says Gus.

And neither did I drink it says O'Malley ...

Funny!

OK, gals.....your turn!

(Calling Cindy, CL, Liz, Teri, Blue, Amanda, Trish, Bond, and so many more.....)

You took too long, so I will share an interesting new statistic:



A 2006 study by Texas A&M University found that the average American walks about 900 miles per year.

Another study by the American Beer Institute found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.

This means, on average, Americans get approximately 41 miles per gallon.


Not bad!

Did I read that sign right?


"TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW"


In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT


In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS


In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN


In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD


Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC.
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?


Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS


Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR


Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1 ST FLOOR


Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD, FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.


Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS


On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK IT IS BROKEN.



"Here's Your Sign......"
LOL

Originally Posted by Vasili

Dunno.....but here's another one!

BEARS

A Priest, a Pentecostal Preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of the

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the "experience".

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle.. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus"

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

Rabbi Lipschitz looks up and struggles to speak to the others. "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start things out"

big giggle !!!! good one !
lina

Oh, yeahhhhh!

We got a million of 'em!

Originally Posted by Vasili

Did I read that sign right?


In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC.
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK IT IS BROKEN.


"Here's Your Sign......"
LOL

My favorites!! Funny Vasili!

A GOOD PUN IS ITS OWN RE-WORD


Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)

A backwards poet writes inverse.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

lol ... some dandys there ...

It's astounding the wealth of information found around here ...

It's really Incr "edible" Like a Seafood Diet - eat all the food you see

I still sense a lingering delectibility of garlic wine sauce from my Birthday Dinner.....had me swimps, special seaweed-scallop striped ravioli, a few pieces of fanciful bread with an outstanding fresh-from-scratch Ceasar slad, with a cheescake concotion drizzled with rasberry sauce for dessert......needless to say, I left the office sideways (had to squeeze through the door), then waddled home with a smile so wide it tripped passers-by!

Isn't that so, m'Lady???

Thank You again, truly......

Now that we are into May, and looking forward to Mother's Day, maybe instead of "funny's" we might post some recollections of growing up with Mom and some moments that we remember especially that made us smile, even unto today??

God could not be everywhere and therefore he made mothers, in many different languages!

French - Mere
German - Mutter
Hindi - Maji
Urdu - Ammee
English - Mom, Mummy, Mother
Italian - Madre
Portuguese - Mãe
Albanian - Mëmë; Nënë; Burim; Kryemurgeshë
Belarusan - Matka
Cebuano - Inahan; Nanay
Serbian - Majka
Czech - Abatyse
Dutch - Moeder; Moer
Estonian - Ema
Frisian - Emo, Emä, Kantaäiti, Äiti
Greek - Màna
Hawaiian - Makuahine
Hungarian - Anya, Fu
Ilongo - Iloy; Nanay; Nay
Indonesian - Induk, Ibu, Biang, Nyokap

It's a very small and simple thing really, but means much more to me, as she is the Owe - Nee One!

My Mom - The One and Owe - Nee!

Throughout the years we've spent much time together, even enjoying simple things like playing Scrabble. We'd play for hours, and sometimes days and those days would turn into nights. So one particular evening after about 17 hours of straight scrabble, lol, we tried to make a word out of the letters O N E - well neither of us could figure what that spelled ... at unbelievably, the very same time, we both looked at each other and said "OWE -NEE" lol ... and we will laugh, forever and a day about this simple cherished moment!

That's right, my mother is MY One and Owe - Nee Mom!!

That was very special....wow!

Originally Posted by Vasili

That was very special....wow!

Well, my mom always says to speak to the highest place in you can find in a person, and to always speak from the highest place you can find in yourself.
Works a treat, I say.

Originally Posted by larazovich

Well, my mom always says to speak to the highest place in you can find in a person, and to always speak from the highest place you can find in yourself.
Works a treat, I say.

And Liz, aren't Mothers always right!

Before I was a Mom
I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mom-I had never been:
Puked on.
Pooped on.
Chewed on.
Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts.
I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom
I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests.
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom
I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put
them down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I
couldn't stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small could affect my life so
much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom
I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.
I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so
important and happy.

Before I was a Mom
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10
minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache,
the wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom.

I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much, before I was a
Mom.

Before I was a Dad, I was a Mother.....at least that's what all my men in my platoon said!

Honestly, they called me "Patton" not just because I was a tough Sargeant, but because they appreciated how their training delivered them better skills and privileges, and for the fact they would do anything I asked based on their respect for me. Works both ways, leadership does....

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well
until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him
if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick."
The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would
depend on the circumstances, and asked him the
following questions:
LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"
POLE: "JA, JA, acre and half and nice little home."
LAWYER: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
POLE: "It made of concrete."
LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
POLE: "No, we have carport, and not need one."
LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?"
POLE: "All my relations still in Poland."
LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
POLE: "Ja, we have hi-fidelity stereo set and good DVD player."
LAWYER: Does your wife beat you up?"
POLE: "No, I always up before her."
LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?"
POLE: "No, she white."
LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?"
POLE: "She going to kill me."
LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"
POLE: "I got proof.
LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"
POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore
and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say, 'Polish Remover'

How to Make a Woman Happy



It's not difficult to make a woman happy.

A man only needs to be:


1. a friend

2. a companion

3. a lover

4. a brother

5. a father

6. a master

7. a chef

8. an electrician

9. a carpenter

10. a plumber

11. a mechanic

12. a decorator

13. a stylist

14. a sexologist

15. a gynecologist

16. a psychologist

17. a pest exterminator

18. a psychiatrist

19. a healer

20. a good listener

21. an organizer

22. a good father

23. very clean

24. sympathetic

25. athletic

26. warm

27. attentive

28. gallant

29. intelligent

30. funny

31. creative

32. tender

33. strong

34. understanding

35. tolerant

36. prudent

37. ambitious

38. capable

39. courageous


40. determined

41. true

42. dependable

43. passionate

44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly

46. love shopping

47. be honest

48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself

52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself

53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:

* birthdays

* anniversaries

* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked


2. Bring food


And if you want to make it really "special" bringing cold beer helps!

GOTTA LOVE IT!!!!!

Oh, yes........it's all good!

Originally Posted by Vasili

Oh, yes........it's all good!

hee hee .... So glad you see it my way Vasili ... lol

Seeing is one thing....believing is another!

And, I believe I have something in store for you that will rock you to your soul.....