Thread: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

Good ones.....unfortunately, I have not prepared any for this quick visit, but will return this weekend with some goodies for the troops!

Well.....took me a while, but I hooked up a home network on cable and functionalized my many emails addresses, so now that I do in fact have connection, I can start posting some of those promised funnies....thanks for your patience!

I'm back, and willing to see what all you have to post here...seems we need some righteous humor to lift our spirits.

(Things have sunk quite below the usual standards since I've walked the halls)

Originally Posted by Vasili

I'm back, and willing to see what all you have to post here...seems we need some righteous humor to lift our spirits.

(Things have sunk quite below the usual standards since I've walked the halls)

Self righteous eh! hmmm .... I think this is a 60's burn-out ... kinda righteous .. yeah .. lol

http://www.switch.tv/videos/288

Totally......."rank has it's privileges" they say, but it's more like knowing what you like and don't like.
And how much you are willing to tolerate. Be honest and prove to me that things have not deteriorated whatsoever, then, in the last 6 months even!

SHORT AND FUNNY
I dialed a number and got the following recording:

"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the Beep.
If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."

Handle every situation like a dog.

If you can't eat it or hump it.

Piss on it and walk away.


*********************************


A cigarette shortens your life by 2 min .

A beer shortens your life by 4 min .

A working day shortens your life by 8 hours!!!!



I REST MY CASE!!!! I'm going home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my wine.......She's such a b.....

Originally Posted by Vasili

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my wine.......She's such a b.....

LOL...

NICE ONE!!!!

I've told this joke before........so funny, it belongs in this thread....lol


DEAR DIARY:

AUG.1
Moved to our new home in Newfoundland. It is so beautiful here. The people
are so nice. The town is so picturesque. Can hardly wait to see it covered
with snow.
I LOVE IT HERE!

Sept. 25
Newfoundland is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are turning
all different colors. I love the shades of red and orange. Went for a ride
through the hills and saw some moose. They are so big and graceful.
Certainly they are the most peaceful animals on earth. This must be
paradise.
I LOVE IT HERE!

Oct. 1
Moose season is open now. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such an
elegant creature. The very symbol of peace and tranquility. Hope it will
snow soon.
I LOVE IT HERE!

DEC. 2
It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed in white.It
looked like a postcard. Went outside and cleaned snow off the steps and
shovelled the driveway. We had a snowball fight today (I won). When the
snowplow came by we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful
place. Mother Nature in perfect harmony.
I LOVE IT HERE!

DEC. 12
More snow last night. I love it. The snowplow did his trick again that
rascal. A winter wonderland.
I LOVE IT HERE!

DEC. 19
Snowed again last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work
this time. I'm exhausted from shoveling. F@#!ing Snowplow!

DEC. 22
More of that white **** fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands from
shoveling. I think the snowplow hides around the corner and waits until I'm
done shoveling.
That A#?hole!

DEC. 25
"White Christmas" my busted ass. Mother f@#!ing snow. If ever get my hands
on that s-o-b who drives that snowplow, I swear I will castrate the
dumb @#$!!???. Don't know why they don't use more salt on this f@#!ing ice.

DEC. 28
More of the same **** last night. Been inside since Christmas Day except for
when "Snowplow Harry" comes by. Can't go anywhere. The car is buried in a mountain of white ****. The weatherman says expect another 25 centimetres of this **** tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 25 centimetres is?

JAN. 1
Happy F@#?ing New Year. The weatherman was wrong (AGAIN).We got 60 f@#?ing centimetres of snow this time. At this rate it won't melt until the 1st of July. The snowplow got stuck down the road and **** for brains had the nerve to come to the door and ask to borrow my shovel. I told him I broke 6 shovels already, shoveling out the **** he plowed into my driveway. I brokethe 7th shovel over his f@#?ing head!

JAN.4
Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on the way back a moose ran out in front of the car and I hit the f@#/er! Did about $3,000.00 damage to the car. Wish the hunters would have killed them all last September!

MAY 3
Took the car to the garage in town today. Would you believe the body is
rotting away from all the f@#?ing salt they keep dumping all over the roads. It really looks like a piece of ****!

MAY 10
Moved to Florida today. I can't imagine why anyone in their right f@#?ing
mind would want to live in the God forsaken Province of Newfoundland!

gotta love those winter times...LOL Good one WItch

PS Its no accident I am in California...

Originally Posted by larazovich

gotta love those winter times...LOL Good one WItch

PS Its no accident I am in California...

lol, Yeh & someday I'm coming to visit that sunny California & see all that good stuff.....and when you come to visit here, I'll have an extra snow suit for ya.......lol

[quote=Vasili;160314]How to Make a Woman Happy
You're SO RIGHT General, now tell me, "where's that man?" I've been searching for all my life and send him to me before I get any older. LOL

Originally Posted by Vasili

SHORT AND FUNNYI dialed a number and got the following recording:

"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the Beep.
If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."

I like that and was looking for a message. I hope you don't mind me using yours, General. LOL

What I learned on the internet...



SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTERI NOW HAVE TO:::..............
I have to scrub the top of every can I open.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans .

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with an infected needle.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

Originally Posted by pristinelife

You're SO RIGHT General, now tell me, "where's that man?" I've been searching for all my life and send him to me before I get any older. LOL

General Ladyeye has first dibs......as soon as the snow melts and the rain stops so the train can get through, I hear.......when is that supposed to be, Robyn??? 2012???


LOL

Wonders never cease.....apparently, things are a-brewing....

Three Old Guys

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60 year old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old man. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all!"

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock, no problem at all."

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?" asked the 70-year old.

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and **** every morning at 6:30. So, what's so bad about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."

Originally Posted by Vasili

General Ladyeye has first dibs......as soon as the snow melts and the rain stops so the train can get through, I hear.......when is that supposed to be, Robyn??? 2012???


LOL

Wonders never cease.....apparently, things are a-brewing....

Brewing & Unthaw-ing.........lol

A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive women serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering," whispers the biker, "are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "I am."

The old biker replies, "Look here, wench, you better wash your hands really good because I am really hungry and I want a cheeseburger!"

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Lowes when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a red halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

Thanksgiving is coming up, right?

I dreamt that I went to Heaven and an angel was showing me around. We walked side-by-side inside a large workroom filled with angels.
My angel guide stopped in front of the first section and said, "This Is the Receiving Section. Here, all petitions to God said in prayer are Received."
I looked around in this area, and it was terribly busy with so many angels sorting out petitions written on voluminous paper sheets and s****s from people all over the world.
Then we moved on down a long corridor until we reached the second section.
The angel then said to me, "This is the Packaging and Delivery Section. Here, the graces and blessings the people asked for are processed and delivered to the living persons who asked for them."
I noticed again how busy it was there. There were many angels working hard at that station, since so many blessings had been requested and were being packaged for delivery to Earth
Finally at the farthest end of the long corridor we stopped at the Door of a very small station To my great surprise, only one angel was Seated there, idly doing nothing. "This is the Aknowledgment Section," My angel friend quietly admitted to me. He seemed embarrassed "How Is it that there is no work going on here?" I asked.
"So sad," the angel sighed. "After people receive the blessings that they asked For, very few send back acknowledgments ."
"How does one acknowledge God's blessings?" I asked.
"Simple," the angel answered. Just say, "Thank you, Lord."
"What blessings should they acknowledge?" I asked.
"If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep you are richer than 75% of this world. If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish, you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy ."
"And if you get this on your own computer, you are part of the 1% in the world who has that opportunity."
Also ......
" If you woke up this morning with more health than illness ... You are more blessed than the many who will not even survive this day ."
"If you have never experienced the fear in battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation .. You are ahead of 700 million people in the world."
"If you can attend a church, synagogue or mosque without the fear of harassment, arrest, torture or death you are envied by, and more blessed than, three billion people
In the world ."
"If your parents are still alive and still married ...you are very rare ."
"If you can hold your head up and smile, you are not the norm, you're unique to all those in doubt and despair."
Ok, what now? How can I start? Remember to say "Thank You" and actually say it......

Did they find a way to remove the treptifan from turkey yet?

This year, I want to enjoy a special meal without crashing 20 minutes afterward....

Originally Posted by Vasili

Did they find a way to remove the treptifan from turkey yet?

This year, I want to enjoy a special meal without crashing 20 minutes afterward....

Dream on, m'dear ...

Shucks! I gues it's another year of undressing after eating the dressing.....

LOL

Originally Posted by Vasili

Shucks! I gues it's another year of undressing after eating the dressing.....

LOL

Could be solved by wearing a burnouse ...

Originally Posted by larazovich

Could be solved by wearing a burnouse ...

Sorry....I may indeed have a great vocabulary, but I have no idea of what a "burnouse" is, or where a dictionary is to look it up!

Whatever it is, it sounds like it should be uncomfotable anyway, so I think I'll pass......
LOLOL

Originally Posted by Vasili

Sorry....I may indeed have a great vocabulary, but I have no idea of what a "burnouse" is, or where a dictionary is to look it up!

Whatever it is, it sounds like it should be uncomfotable anyway, so I think I'll pass......
LOLOL

probably spelled it wrong, but it is a wonderful flowing thing, desert wear initially, most likely..
way way comfortable.. You would look quite exotic in it..


"a long hooded cloak woven of wool in one piece, worn by Arabs and Moors"

FW: Craigslist Post - Wall Street Analysis of Gold Diggers

The response to the inquiry is the best, so read the whole thing.

THIS APPEARED ON CRAIG'S LIST


What am I doing wrong?

Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy.

I'm not from New York. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm overreaching at all.

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right?
How do I get to her level?

Here are my questions specifically:

-Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms
-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my feelings
-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?
- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story there?
- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do theyhang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?
- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking forMARRIAGE ONLY

Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.

* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 432279810




THE ANSWER

Dear Pers-431649184:

I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.


Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I see it.

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a ****py business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!

So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful" as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout.

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.

With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way.

Classic "pump and dump."


I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.

I enjoyed that Vasili! Fantastic! LOL

For a mere quarter I'll do a cartwheel!


Thing is, I don't have any coin to make change, so I think it is averaging around a dollar a turn! LOLOL

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy . There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy . If the Pope won, they would have to leave or convert.

The Jewish people met and picked the aged, but wise, Rabbi Moshe to represent them in the debate. However, as Moshe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a silent debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moshe sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

Rabbi Moshe looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

Rabbi Moshe pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

Rabbi Moshe pulled out an *****.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moshe was too clever and that the Jews could stay in Italy

Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened.

The Pope said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs."

"Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us."
"I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an ***** to remind me of the original sin."
" He had me beaten at my every move and I could not continue."

Meanwhile..the Jewish community was gathered around Rabbi Moshe. How did you win the debate?" they asked.
" I haven't a clue," said Moshe. "First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy , so I gave him the finger!"

"Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him we're staying right here."
"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said Moshe, "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."

Now that Halloween is over, is it time to resume our smiling like we are on something or what?

A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally they summoned the police.

The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"

"Fred," the cowboy moaned.

"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the Ranger.

With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied, "...the balcony..."

I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS...

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at
him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where
he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to
his wife and says,

"My G-d, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to
on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly,

"No, I'm your son's teacher."

So....I guess it's "detention"?

Hmmm....why all the frowns? No one is telling jokes this week?

Facelift........

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday

She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking,
but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl
the very same question.

The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."

The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on
her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and
asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to
her the same question.

He replies,"I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young,
there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under
your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best
of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very
slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently
pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against
each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says,
"Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you
tell?"

The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't," she says.

"I was behind you in McDonald's."

Alaskan hospitality......

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick ofthe stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far
from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks
on His door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

''Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having
a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come, at
about 5:00."

"Great", says Tom, "After six months out here I'm ready to meet
some local folks. Thank you ."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you, be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem," says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can
drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More'n' likely
gonna be some fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there.
Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"

"Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea.
"I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By The
way, what should I wear?"

"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."

Funniest line on the page....
Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not."
Thanks DreamLady - a very good laugh!

This is from a friend in her ninties. It's about an old lady with 4 boyfriends.
She never know when Al Semsier will call,
she only gets up each day because of Will power,
and because she lives with Arthur ritis,
she goes to bed each night with Johny Walker.

Well.....time for an update....

Any current funnies to make us smile??
(This is the Smile Factory remember!)

LOL....all the emails lately have been "slightly off-color" and I am therefore unable to post them here, but some of you are still chuckling, I hear.....

"Maybe later...."

Obviously the popularity of the new backyard toy presents unusual restrictions........

click thumbnail to view "once-in-a-lifteime" shot
.

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father
died, Robert decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So
he went to a singles bar and he searched until he spotted
a woman whose beauty took his breath away.

"Right now, I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up
to her, "but within a month or two, my father will pass and
I'll inherit over 20 million dollars."

The woman went home with Robert, and four days later she
became his stepmother.

Men will never learn.
*******************
The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of West
Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce
in the local court, but custody of the children was a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since
she had brought the children into this world, she should retain
custody of them.

The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children.

The judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment of
silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and said, "Judge,
when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out,
does it belong to me or the machine?"
*********************
Two strangers, a man and a woman, find themselves assigned to the same
sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially
embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they are tired and fall
asleep quickly—he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1 A.M., the man leans over and gently wakes the woman and says,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach
into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," the woman replies. "Just for tonight, let's
pretend we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaims.

"Good," she replies. "Now, get your own damn blanket!"
*****

jcaywood
http://www.thegoofygiftshop.com
http://www.rhsclassof1965.com

Those are good!! Her's one I just got.

I don't get it...

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realizing that the little boy is in
there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a football."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$750"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have football boots."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "$2250"
Man - "Sold."

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$3000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that **** again. You're in my cupboard now."

A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some
cyanide right away. The pharmacist naturally was concerned by such a
request and asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The
pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "I can't give you cyanide to
kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license.
They'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will
happen! Absolutely not, you cannot have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You
didn't tell me you had a prescription."
****************************
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his blonde neighbor came
out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into
her house.

A little later she came out of his house again, went to the mailbox,
again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the
house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again.
She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed
harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which the blonde replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer
keeps telling me I have mail!"
*****************************
During a recent outing in New Orleans, a woman sneaked off
to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark
and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic
delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt:
Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a
violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the fortune teller's
lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down
at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose
herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune
teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked,
"Will I be acquitted?"

Originally Posted by SChajin

Oh, Mr. V thats a good one!

Hi,

I liked your www.theeverlastingstory.com site and i am verymuch excited to do project like that.

Keep it up !

bye

Sandhya

always draw a circle around the ones u love,never draw aheart because heart can be broken,but circle are never ending circle always will join love. with all my love

Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He
immediately turns to her and makes his move.

"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to
the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about building web sites?"

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me
ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff -- grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns
out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do
you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest
idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to
discuss building web sites when you don't know ****?"

A girl from Texas and a girl from the North were seated side by side
on an airplane.

The girl from Texas, being friendly and all, said, "So, where ya'll
from?"

The northern girl said, "From a place where they know better than to
use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from Texas sat quietly for a few moments and then replied:
"So, where ya'll from, bitch?"

Who farted? Was that you, Jay?

not nice, using language like that....

OK....time has passed, the air has cleared, and it's time for some new "funnies" to be posted.

Any newcomers have a smile to share??

Subject: Guts or Balls

These are important definitions:

We've all heard about people having guts or balls.

But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for
each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with
the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and
having the guts to ask:

"Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the
guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your
collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the
balls to say:

"You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome!!

Originally Posted by karenwms63

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome!!

Castration??

LOL! NO...it's called FUBAR! For reference...see Tango and Cash movie with Kurt Russell and Sylvester Stallone...LOL!

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his
dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon,
the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts
designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air
conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty
popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So,
how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and
flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is
going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should
never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping
him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU
going to get a lawyer?"

Southern Thinking:

The owner of a golf course was confused about
paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some
mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You
graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were
to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"



The secretary thought a moment, and then
replied,


"Everything but my earrings."

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently with two ice chests full of fish.
He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?'
'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish.'

'Pet fish?'

'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home.'

'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'

'O. K.', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'

'Well, what?', says the redneck.

The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'

'Call who back?'

'The FISH', replied the warden!

'What fish?', replied the redneck.
...

Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.

Bran Muffins
The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.

'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick.This is Heaven!'

The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!'

That's IT! No more bran muffins for me...

Good One, Mike! Another 10 points for you!!!

nice one

funy funny funny classified ads
These are real from ads in city newspapers

1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.

(man....if only I knew A B C....)

2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once; you'll never go anywhere again.

(sure...thanx for the warning!)

3. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

(in months or years?)

4. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

(check it out)

5. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

(howwww sweeeet)

6. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

(wow! A free trip to heaven?)

7. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

(hey....who taught cows the bad habit??)

8. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

(nice work!)

Originally Posted by jkadin

7. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
(hey....who taught cows the bad habit??)

You are still rather too new to VodaLand to be aware of how we prize our cows, and marvel at their talents!

>> http://www.vodahost.com/vodatalk/vod...-your-cow.html


Check out my cow in post # 185 (pg.7) for a real mooooover and shaker!
.

Aome great insights.

The wisdom of Larry the cable guy...



1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the hell happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound.. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates, it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

Like it! LOL

lmbo!

Just in time for 4th of July???

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough. So, the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn’t want to have any more children.


The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.


The Alabamian said to the doctor, “I may not be the smartest man, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.”


So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold to his ear and count to 10.


Figuring that both learned physicians couldn’t be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb, and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. “1, 2, 3, 4, 5…”, at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand…

ouch

(sorry for taking a double hit --- wasn't until after this went up I saw your thread, and now both are timed out)

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh*t."

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.
'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
So he tied her up and went golfing.

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'





********************************************


Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

*************************************


A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'


******************************************


Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.'



*** That one was for our Favorite Witch and her very Mod Sister....

********************************************


A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him.
'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'





************************************************** ******


Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

*******************************************

IF WOMEN CONTROLLED THE WORLD

A New York Love Story...

A beautiful young blond, New York woman, was so depressed that
she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks,
a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man.
"Look, I'm a sailor, and we're off to Europe tomorrow,
and I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you,
bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had
always wanted to go to Europe , the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches
and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain
during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied.
"He brings me food daily and I get a free trip to Europe !
Plus he's screwing me every night."

"He certainly is," replied the captain.
"This is the Staten Island Ferry."


Think she was a blonde???

WHEN IT COMES TO SEX
Accountants do it with Double Entry
Acupuncturists do it with a small prick
Ambulance drivers come quicker
Australians do it Down Under
Bankers do it with interest
Bartenders do it on the Rocks
Chess players check their Mates
Cops do it with cuffs
DJs do it on request
Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure
Dentists do it orally
Detectives do it under cover
Please, don't do it with Bankers; most of them are Tellers!
Engineers do it to specification
Firemen do it with a big hose
Frank Sinatra does it his way
Garbage-men come twice a week
Gardeners do it in the bushes
Gas attendants Pump all day
Jockeys gallop hard and finish fast
Landlords do it every 1st of the month
Mountain Climbers like to be on top
Pianists touch, tickle, and titillate!
Pizza delivery men come in 30 minutes or it's free
Truckers do it on the road
Travel Agents do it in lots of different places
Waiters and waitresses do it for tips
Watch out for tennis players - love means nothing to them!
And Zoologists do it with animals!

Hmmmm ..... hard to follow that one.

Maybe I should let another "refresh" the thread this time??

OK --- whose next with a smile??

I went to the doctors last week.
He said "I haven't seen you for ages"
I said " I know, I've been ill"

I said "Have you got anything for the wind?"
He gave me a kite

I was walking past the Eiffel tower when I was in Paris not long ago,
A girl came up to me and said "errrr, do you fancy a bit"
I said "Why are they pulling it down"

I went to my local chemist.
I said " Have you got any vaseline ?"
He said "Have you tried Boots"
I said "I want to slide in not march in"

I said to the wifes sister in bed this morning..
"Are you on the pill?"
She said " No its rubbish, it keeps falling out"

lol, funny

A wife was making breakfast fro her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! Where are we going to get more butter? They're going to stick! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You never listen to me when you're cooking! NEVER! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you carzy? Have you lost your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

_The Church Gossip_

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new church member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone who saw it parked there would know exactly what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and then just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house and then walked home. And he left it there. All night.

You gotta love George.

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.

At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt the manager to finish waiting on a customer. When Walt was finished with the costumer, Mary asked 'How much for that faucet?'

Walt replied, 'That's pewter and it costs $300.'

'My goodness that sure is a lot of money!' Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Walt yelled, 'Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?'

Mary replied, 'No, but I will for the faucet.'

.................. And this is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.

What Starts with F and ends with K


A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. For weeks the teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem ?'

Every time Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal : 'What is 3 x 3 ?'

Harry : '9.'

Principal : 'What is 6 x 6 ?'

Harry : '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal,' Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of ?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have ?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied : 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks : 'What does a dog do that a man steps into ?'

Harry : 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks : What starts with a C , ends with a T , is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid ?'

Harry : ' Coconut.'

The principal sat for! ward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks :' What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky ?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks : ! 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs ?'

Harry : 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling

Ms. Brooks : 'What word starts with an 'F ! ' and ends in ' K ' that means a lot of heat and excitement ?

Harry : 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,' Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong