Thread: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

That was a cold ending...shivered my butt off..............lol

What's up with that wife? Decide to have a "block party"??? Sheesh!

I would just shot all of 'em and been done with it! Balme it on "Sudden Shooter Syndrome" .... because I would have to be totally loaded!

Picking a punishment

This guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him and shows him the doors to three rooms and says he must choose one of the rooms to spend eternity in.

So Satan opens the first door. In the room there are people standing in cow manure up to their necks. The guy says "No, please show me the next room".

Satan shows him the next room and this has people with cow manure up to their noses. And so he says no again.

Finally, Satan shows him the third and final room. This time there are people in there with cow manure up to their knees drinking cups of tea and eating cakes.

So the guy says, "I'll choose this room". Satan says O.K. The guys is standing in there eating his cake and drinking his tea thinking, "Well, it could be worse", when the door opens. Satan pops his head around, and says "O.K. tea-break is over. Back on your heads!"

Love it!
Will laugh at that when I'm 'mucking out' in the morning.
Thanks Joe.

How Long Has it Been?

An old but still ruggedly handsome Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!? I mean, no sex since 1955!?"

Feeling charitable and a little bit drunk, she took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

(You've got to love military time!)

I went to the doctors last week.
He said "I haven't seen you for ages"
I said " I know, I've been ill"

I said "Have you got anything for the wind?"
He gave me a kite

Ahhh....Tommy Cooper
The old ones are the best

Even if you don't own a dog at present, you'll appreciate the efforts of this owner to sell her dog. Read the sales pitch!!!



Dog For Sale
*Free to good home.
*Excellent guard dog.
*Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat.
*Most of them knew him as 'Holy Sh*t.

Thats not a dog, thats my ex sargent major...................lol

My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the same time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.

Yesterday afternoon, she narrowly escaped injury with the aircraft she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in Southern Tennessee because of bad weather. Thank God our kids were with me at the Beach House this weekend.

The NTSB issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: Liz was flying in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.

The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.

She was very lucky,


however her broom did not fair so well. LOL!

A Dirty Fork



A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is
also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a
dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from
there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks
up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to
him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook
happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.

The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly
brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll
take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing
around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man
comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming
and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take
it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in
and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have
the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says,
"Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."

Ohhh thats bad!!!! Loved it though.

Little Johnny (its clean).. was asked by his teacher what he was going to bring to school for 'Show & Tell' the following day. Johnny said... "I'm going to bring a Hedge Hog". The teacher said "where are you going to get one of them?" Johnny said... "Well last night, Mum was doing the dishes and she said to dad... "if you dry the dishes I'll give you a hedge hog!".

Up to my old shenannigans again........

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.


While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'


The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'


The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'


'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.


On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'


The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'


The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'


The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens!'


.... and on they went!

That the best old lady joke that I have read for ages.........lmbao

A new twist on getting 'goosed' for sure....

Last Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer
and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbour lady from across the
street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, 'You
should be hung!'


I took a drink from my can of Bud Lite, wiped the cold foam from my
lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly into
the eyes of this nosey-ass neighbour and then calmly replied,

'I am. That's why she cuts the grass.'

Arrrggghhhh! Retold like a true Pirate, for sure!

CircusPet, you old barnacle! Where are you?? Seems we have a new shipmate!


* Funny bird, this neighbor .... didn't she wonder why you were wearing long pants instead of shorts on such a sweltering hot day?? Har-Har-harrrrr!

LOL good one Ed.

here's one have to blip out the naughty words but you can guess what they are.

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house.
They don’t want the cat shut in the house because “she” always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.
The wife doesn’t want the driver to know the house will be empty.She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon.”He’s just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother.”
A few minute! s later, the husband gets into the cab. “Sorry I took so long,” he says, as they drive away.
“Stupid ** was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!”
The cabdriver hit a parked car…

Originally Posted by Vasili

Arrrggghhhh! Retold like a true Pirate, for sure!

CircusPet, you old barnacle! Where are you?? Seems we have a new shipmate!


* Funny bird, this neighbor .... didn't she wonder why you were wearing long pants instead of shorts on such a sweltering hot day?? Har-Har-harrrrr!

Cool I get to be a pirate? Can I wear an eye patch and walk around saying Aaarrrrrrrgggggghhhhh! like you?

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?

You have been with me through all the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck, get the hell away from me."

and then the fight started......

(funny, Joe!)

All this bickering .... Whew! Gets me thinking, though ....

I say we should just go back to every man packing a six-shooter and let the notion of being always "politically correct" yield to the re-emergence of personal accountability!
Should see a dramatic difference in how "social etiquette," "common decency" and "respect for others" re-shape how people interact on a daily basis!
Could even be THEN people will learn to speak English accordingly, at least to avoid getting into trouble by being able to understand what is going on around them!

Kill three birds with one stone, and clean house of those with rocks in their heads!


I always wondered why they allowed Driver's Tests in foreign languages if all the signs are in English.......or why they have multi-lingual ballots if they don't intend to obey the Law of The Land anyway!

AM I BAD OR WHAT??? LOL

I volunteer to be Benevolent Dictator.

There is only ONE "Generalissimo" in VodaLand, Tommy! (having been personally appointed by General V many moons ago)

And, as for the rest of the "Lands" I am pretty sure there will be some stiff competition!

LOLOL

No General you are not bad, you just have the strength to say what is on alot of peoples minds but are too sheepish to say anything. I agree completely!!

Ohhh!!! Please don't let me get started. Kill all the politicians and start over are my thoughts.

It's nice to the boss.

Originally Posted by SAman

It's nice to the boss.

**** I'm not even in the pitcher......I'm way down at the bottom buried in the S**T.

It's better to be a vulture: at least when you're hungry, you can go out and kill something rather than wait!

And you get to roost alone, instead of like those hawks who don't know S*#@ from Sunshine, and buzzards who are road-kill bums!

Originally Posted by D'son

**** I'm not even in the pitcher......I'm way down at the bottom buried in the S**T.

And I'm the worm that eats the S**T LOL

Man I wish I can post some Pics have some hilarious ones :(

Stuttering Problem

A man visits the doctor's because he has a severe stuttering problem. After a thorough examination, the doctor consults with the patient.

Doctor: "It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your penis is about six inches too long and it is thus pulling on your vocal cords, and thereby causing you this annoying problem of stuttering."

"Ddddd octttor. Whhaaat cccan I dddo?"

The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and states that there is a procedure where we can free up the strain on the vocal cords by removing the six inches from the penis and freeing him from this horrible problem. The patient stuttering badly states that this problem has caused him so much embarrassment as well as loss of employment that anything would be worth it. The doctor plans for the procedure. The operation is a success and six months later the patient comes in for his check up.

Patient: Doctor, the operation was a success. I have not stuttered since the operation. I have a great job and my self esteem is fantastic. However, there is one problem, my wife says that she sort of misses the great sex we used to have before the extra six inches were removed. So I was wondering if it is possible to reattach those six inches.

The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and says: "I dddoonnnbt ttthhhinkkkk thatttt wooould bbbbee possssssibbble!"

So, I was talking to this little girl, Catherine, the daughter of some
friends, and she said she wanted to be President some day.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there with us
and I asked Catherine, "If you were President what would be the first
thing you would do?"

Catherine replied, "I would give houses to all the homeless people."

"Wow! What a worthy goal you have there, Catherine." I told her, "You
don't have to wait until you're President to help the homeless. You
can come over to my house and clean up all the dog poop in my back yard
and I will pay you $5. Then we can go over to the grocery store where
the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $5 to use for a
new house."

Catherine, who was about 4, thought that over for a second while her
mom looked at me seething, and Catherine replied, "Why doesn't the homeless
guy come over and clean up the dog poop and you can just
pay him the $5 dollars?"

And I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

Out of the mouths of babes!!!
That's a good one....

Funny Vasili

You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are either male or female.
Below are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong ones.
TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over-inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under them.
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female, because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

A blond decides to do something she’s never done before - rent a dirty movie. She drives to the local Video Warehouse and makes here way to the adult section in the back. After looking around at titles, she selects a something that sounds very stimulating.
She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment there’s nothing but static on the screen. She calls the store to complain and says, “I just rented an adult movie from you and there’s nothing on the tape, but static.”
The clerk apologized about the defective video and asked, “Which title did you rent?” The blond replied, “It’s called ‘Head Cleaner.

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.

One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his s h o e s
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his s h o e s and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his s h o e s and said:

'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'





The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'




The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.

'I have something to show
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'




The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband opening
the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'




The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?'

The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'




The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'


so now you know!

Funny collection, General!

Burial at Sea

Donna and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their
Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to
bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did
pass away and the two blondes kept their promise.


They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all
stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.


After a while Donna says, 'Do you think we're out
far enough, Barbie?'


Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only
knee deep said, 'nope, not yet Donna'.

So they row a little farther.... Again Donna asks Barbie,
'Do you think were out far enough now?

Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost
immediately says, 'No, this will never do, the water is
only up to my chest.'

So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips
over the side and disappears.

Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Donna is really
getting worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface,
gasping for breath, she says,'OK, it's finally deep
enough. Hand me the shovel.'

They are all quite good!!!

Yeah! Made me smile too.....

her is a must see!!!

Click on Baby Boomers

Born tubby mild that was great take off of born to be wild.

That was great!!!

Totally scary!
made me just realize the fact I am well over 40! I remember going to that live concert, and Saturday I am going to my 30th High School reunion no less!

Ok...you are too twisted for me...lol...I'm gettin it and ur friends aint! LOL

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband to 'Please be gentle; I'm
still a virgin.'
'What ?' said the puzzled groom.
'How can that be if you've been married ten times?'


'Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it
was going to be.


'Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was
supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.


'Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out
diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.


' Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he
didn't know when he would be able to deliver


'Husband #5 was an Engineer ; he understood the basic process but he wanted
three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.


'Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure
whether it was his job or not.


'Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.


'Husband #8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.


'Husband #9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
.
'Husband #10 was a Stamp Collector ; all he ever did was........... God I miss him !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.
.
'But now that I've married you, I'm so excited'.
'Wonderful', said the husband, 'but why ?


'You're with the ' GOVERNMENT '. . .
This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED.'

No wonder he had to start his own club...lol...go Mike!

"Clubbie" is too close to that "Cubbie" dude on Mickey Mouse for me.

But, then again .... my Ex used to have a Hubby Clubbie to keep me in line, so I dunno....

'You're with the ' GOVERNMENT '. . .
This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED.'

[/quote]
LOL... NICE ONE VASILI......ITS TRUE , GOVERMENT ALLWAYS TRY TO SCREWE YOU (SPECIALLY IN MEXICO) LOL.....

Who says you have to name a country...last time I checked....all the countries do it...lol...

Originally Posted by karenwms63

who Says You Have To Name A Country...last Time I Checked....all The Countries Do It...lol...

Lol But I Think Mexico Its One Of The Worst Goverments All They Doits Screwe You Up.......the Richest Man In Thew World Is Mexican Can You Picture One Billionare And Millions Of People Live A Miserable Life. Jobs Are Cheap, Food Its Expensive Etc. Etc..... My Opinion, Lol....

How Marriage works...

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks.

The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies .

So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.

'Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer.

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'

She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India ,etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses...'

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious.... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise.

OK?' You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'

'You want dirty words? Drink your f***ing beer in your G*d*mn frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't f***ing going anywhere! Got it, A**hole?'

..........and, they lived happily ever after.


Now, isn't that a sweet story?

teeheehee

Karen you hit that right in the head with that one!!!

Somehow it reminds me of "Candid Camera" meets "Jerry Springer" .....

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, Perfect timing. You're just like Frank
Passenger: Who?
Cabbie: Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.
Passenger: There are always a few clouds over everybody
Cabbie: Not Frank Feldman He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.
Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.
Cabbie: There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right
Passenger: Wow, some guy then.
Cabbie: He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid Traffic jams Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, s h o e s highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.
Passenger: An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?
Cabbie: Well, I never actually met Frank, he died. I married his freaking nag of a widow.

Puh -leassse!

And here I thought the onions on your hamburger were too strong!

this is so you, my friend, Vasili...I should know...the doctor slapped my mama...lol
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_7VsoxT_FUY

LOL .... Oh! Karen, caught me "gnawing" did you??

Takes me back, that did, Girlfriend! I always though my personal anthem was "Rock & Roll Fantasy" but come to think of it, this one comes pretty close (and pretty much fills the gaps between your vid above and the mood you left me with) > http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BfHDJYvZPwg

You Swarthy Pirate...You...You are definitely bad! That's My Theme song! Who said you could use it against me...LOL!

Originally Posted by Vasili

Puh -leassse!

And here I thought the onions on your hamburger were too strong!

.....onions and garlic, meh, little jack too..lol

....yes Karen, he is bad

<runs>

Originally Posted by C L;260262....yes Karen, he is bad [IMG

http://www.vodahost.com/vodatalk/images/icons/icon10.gif[/IMG]

<runs>

YES ...... REAL BAD !!!
>> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xSoEP1NVmPM <<



You can run that fast or that far from me, Robyn! Might as well give up and share a <cigar>.....

There's an oldie.....

Did you have long hair and bell bottoms? lol

Originally Posted by C L

There's an oldie.....

Did you have long hair and bell bottoms? lol

Of course!
Super-bell jeans, black boots, black leather jacket, keys hanging off my beltloop, red eyes ... the whole nine yards. Funny thing, I was the only one of the "group" that was straight-A and going to Merritt College more than half the day in my Junior Year: I looked pretty much like a Hell's Angel with an IQ of 163!
1977 .... definitely buzzed in this one



I guess I did pretty good, and cleaned up a bit for graduation, even though by then I was a stranger on campus.....
1978


Just had our 30th Reunion. Unbelieveable!


I opened my big mouth that it would be nice if we had a website to get in touch easier, and guess who got stuck with it?? Right....well, it's started, but I am not gonna write all the content, scan all the images, or hand type all the lists, so it just sits there until Heidi and Joleen get me what I need to finish the damned thing!

Originally Posted by Vasili

Of course!
Super-bell jeans, black boots, black leather jacket, keys hanging off my beltloop, red eyes ... the whole nine yards. Funny thing, I was the only one of the "group" that was straight-A and going to Merritt College more than half the day in my Junior Year: I looked pretty much like a Hell's Angel with an IQ of 163!
1977 .... definitely buzzed in this one



I guess I did pretty good, and cleaned up a bit for graduation, even though by then I was a stranger on campus.....
1978


Just had our 30th Reunion. Unbelieveable!


I opened my big mouth that it would be nice if we had a website to get in touch easier, and guess who got stuck with it?? Right....well, it's started, but I am not gonna write all the content, scan all the images, or hand type all the lists, so it just sits there until Heidi and Joleen get me what I need to finish the damned thing!

I can not picture you with long hair. What happened to it. I know the saying hair today gone tommorow. well at least I got some of mine left and refuse to part with it. well lets put it this way I even have more hair than my son, his hair genes takes after on his mother's side. O.K. BTS was you at least a hit with the ladies back then.

A hit with the ladies? You bet! (You know they all want a "Bad Boy" to lean on, right? Being "Brilliant & Bad" gave me a singular edge, I guess!)

I was going with Rochelle in my Junior year, which caused quite a stir since she was a Senior and from opposite sides of the fence, so to speak: her brother was BMOC on the football team, and I was who I was. Funny thing, I have a couple yearbooks here at the office so I can recognize people as they register with the Forums and approve them, and I have Rocehlle's picture here with very sweet nothings penned on the back. Brings back memories, to be sure!
ROCHELLE, My Main Squeeze, 1977


What happened to my hair? Hell, I dunno ..... started jumping off during my Sophomore year at Trinity College probably due to the massive amounts of coffee and the stress of taking 21 units per semester.....

Originally Posted by Vasili

Of course!
Super-bell jeans, black boots, black leather jacket, keys hanging off my beltloop, red eyes ... the whole nine yards. Funny thing, I was the only one of the "group" that was straight-A and going to Merritt College more than half the day in my Junior Year: I looked pretty much like a Hell's Angel with an IQ of 163!
1977 .... definitely buzzed in this one



I guess I did pretty good, and cleaned up a bit for graduation, even though by then I was a stranger on campus.....
1978


Just had our 30th Reunion. Unbelieveable!


I opened my big mouth that it would be nice if we had a website to get in touch easier, and guess who got stuck with it?? Right....well, it's started, but I am not gonna write all the content, scan all the images, or hand type all the lists, so it just sits there until Heidi and Joleen get me what I need to finish the damned thing!

o Vasili, you are a cutey, lol @ all that hair.....you cleaned up nicely for grad.

..opened up your big mouth eh? ....jeeez how unlike u to do that.....haha

(just kiddn')

Rochelle is a pretty girl.....

hm..........>>(1977 .... definitely buzzed in this one)

Originally Posted by C L

hm..........>>(1977 .... definitely buzzed in this one)

Honey, back then EVERYONE was buzzed or burnt-out already! Few of us were able to smile as was I though. Maybe that's why at the Reunion I was the one that was getting so much attention??

lolololololol i love that one

Just popped in to say "Hello"

The Parrot

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot..
There was a sign on the cage that said &#163;100.00
'Why so little,' she asked the pet storeowner.
The owner looked at her and said, 'Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vu**ar stuff.'
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, 'New house, new madam.'
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought 'that's really not so bad.'
When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said,
'New house, new madam, new girls.'
The girls and the woman began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,
'Hi, Keith!



Have a nice day
Patsy

Good one, Patsy! Good to see you too!

Hi Patsy, good 2cu... Funny!

I like that one Patsy........................

Generalissmo, When I went to my 30th (years ago) I was surpised how some had changed and some hadn't, did you find that? All the strange ones got some how normal, and the others got stranger......................

Originally Posted by SAman

Generalissmo, When I went to my 30th (years ago) I was surpised how some had changed and some hadn't, did you find that? All the strange ones got some how normal, and the others got stranger.

Couldn't agree more! It's like the older we get, the more we regress or something! Here we are --- captains of industry, judges, world famous surgeons, mega-business owners, etc. all acting just like we did when we were 17. Same jokes, observations about others, little gossips, and ability to laugh all night long. It was very weird to hear our frivolity punctuated by mentions of kids going to college and things when our minds were racing to recall all the details of our kinship locked in years past.
Made the walk to the car very strange indeed!

Friend Needed :


Kathy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help.
One day, during recess, Kathy noticed a young girl standing by herself on one side of the playing field while the rest of the kids were playing a game of soccer.
A while later, Kathy walked over to the young girl and offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"
The girl looked at Kathy suspiciously, then said hesitantly, "Okay, I guess so..."
"Why are you standing here all alone?" asked Kathy.
"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"

What a frog :


A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Hey bartender. If I show you a trick will you give me a free drink?" The bartender says "sure" and the drunk pulls a frog out of his pocket and sets it down on the table. The frog then plays the best jazz the bartender heard in years and he gives the drunk his free drink. The drunk says "Hey bartender. If I show you another trick will you give me another free drink?" The bartender says "If it's anything like the trick you just showed me, you can drink the rest of the night for free." So the drunk pulls a rat out of his pocket and the rat starts singing. The bartender starts pouring drinks for the drunk as fast as the drunk could drink them. Two hours later, an agent walks into a bar and sees the frog and the rat. He walks up to the bartender and says "That's the greatest act I've seen in years. Who owns that act?" The bartender points to the drunk who's passed out on the floor and says "He does." The agent wakes the drunk and says "That's the greatest act I’ve seen in years. I'll give you $100,000 for that act." The drunk says "There not for sale." "Ok," the agent says "then I'll give you $50,000 for the singing rat." "It's a deal" the drunk says so the agent gives him the money and leaves with the rat. "I can't believe you! You had a million dollar rat there you just passed it up for a measly 50 grand" the bartender yells. "Relax," said the drunk, "The frog's a ventriloquist."

Doggone brilliant :


A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.
So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.
But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet ... and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says..................
"Where's that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

OMG.....Marketing....at its FINEST!.....lol......two excellent jokes kadm

Had to comment cause DA DEMENTED one, ma mere, ........she loves da dachsund.......damn smart dogs,...funniest true life site I ever saw

was a fight twixt dachsund and Doberman Pinscher...twas priceless...the look on the Dobie's face when the short one disappeared beneath him.......and turned to bite him in the butt, gotta love the short one...lol

[quote=patsy121105;261524]Just popped in to say "Hello"

The Parrot

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot..
There was a sign on the cage that said £100.00
'Why so little,' she asked the pet storeowner.
The owner looked at her and said, 'Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vu**ar stuff.'
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, 'New house, new madam.'
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought 'that's really not so bad.'
When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said,
'New house, new madam, new girls.'
The girls and the woman began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,
'Hi, Keith!


lol......very good one patsy hah aha ha ha ha its really funny

Never Choke in a restaurant in the Hills.............

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

Great one!

Funny Karen:)

Little Old Wine Drinker Me - and now I know why!

As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
in beer there is freedom,
in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated
that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
than to drink water and be full of shi*.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service

Well thank you, Patsy, darn kind of you and fits in with my thinking :)

LOL.....got a little bit of that "Cowboy" in you, huh?

Well, I've stated before I've done some wranglin'... When we were in England in the Spring, the kids were pretty taken with Aunty Sharon's 'cowboy'.....

Woo-HOO! Spurs an' all! Ride on, I say - Ride on!

OK .... time for a blonde joke or two!

Better yet, here's one joke about two blondes!

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. 'What does it look like?' she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, 'Its square and it has your picture on it.'

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, 'Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.'

There is a smart friend and a dumb friend. The smart one is watching the 6pm news and a man threatens to commit suicide. He does. Then at 11pm, the dumb friend comes over to watch the 11pm news. They watch the same suicide scene. The smart friend tells the dumb friend, "I bet you $20 that he jumps" "I bet you $20 he doesn't" says the dumb friend. He commits suicide, and the dumb friend says, "Alright, heres the $20..." But the smart friend says, "I can't accept that, I saw this video earlier." The dumb friend says, "So did I, I didn't think he'd do it again."

Lol that blonde joke was awesome! Nice post Vasili!

A girls first time


As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an ease entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.

After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

Naughty, Naughty!

Excuse me, What were you thinkin'?

"Da wamfnt inken nuffin buh ow zoo et eez ingerz owda ni mout!"

Ya know ... the whole idea way back when was to post jokes in a single thread rather than create untold numerous ones (which bury other threads unnecessarily).

What happened?

I guess there is too much going on in the Club to notice this thread, huh?