Thread: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

lol good one!

glad I havent been that drunk and I drink rum!

-DM

A Kiowa man has six beautiful children, and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home my little mother of six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, father of four!".
-------------------
Bob Williams

When does the "wampum" start???

LOLOL

Can you solve this puzzle?

You are riding on a beautiful white horse.
On your left side is a drop off.
On your right side are several ostriches being chased by a lion.
In front of you are four large gazelles that won't get out of your way
and you can't seem to overtake them.
Behind you is a stampede of horses.
What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?

























* Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. *

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour only."The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back".

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bill looked up, laughing with tears in his eyes and said, "To see your wife"!

Groaners, indeed!


These are some of the worst puns ever - but sure to make you smile.

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don't join dangerous cults: .. Practice safe sects!

A young man goes into the Job Center in Jacksonville , Florida,
and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.

Interested, he goes to learn more -
'Can you give me some more details?' he asks the clerk.
The clerk pulls up the file and says, 'The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.
There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Oxford, Mississippi. That's about 620 miles from here.'
'Oh, is that where the job is?'
'No sir - that's where the end of the line is right now.

Recollections of a new Mom .....

Only A Mom Would Know

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe
2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident. Someone had given
me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite
toys. Dad was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I
brought Dad a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several
cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My
Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea,
because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough,
here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Dad and she watched
him drink it up. Then she says, (as only a mother would know... :) 'Did
it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is
the toilet?'
Moms are very smart people.

A Fable (or not)

Once upon a time a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy donkeys for $10 each.
The villagers, seeing that there were many donkeys around, went out and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.

He next announced that he would now buy donkeys at $20 each.
This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching donkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms.

The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of donkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a donkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy donkeys at $50 each!

However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers: "Look at all these donkeys in the big cage that the man has already collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the donkeys for 700 billion dollars.

* They never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of asses!

Now you have a better understanding of how the WALL STREET BAILOUT PLAN WILL WORK !!!!
..

Originally Posted by Vasili

A Fable (or not)

Now you have a better understanding of how the WALL STREET BAILOUT PLAN WILL WORK !!!!
..

AMEN brother!!!

Sooooooo...... true Eric........
and now the Pres. elect is talking about billions to give to the cities for infrastructure projects. Where is this money coming from...................
Now who is the joke on????????????????????????????????

Anyway .... Fred and Larry get married in San Francisco (when it was legal) ....but they couldn't afford a honeymoon.

So, they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first married night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Larry are up yet.
She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom,
'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Ok, Ok, go ahead and tell me what you think?'
He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline... and... I think... he accidentally took my airplane glue'.

That is hilarious Vasilli.

Five years ago I started with nothing...
and I've still got half of it left! lol

Originally Posted by Vasili

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour only."The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back".

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bill looked up, laughing with tears in his eyes and said, "To see your wife"!

I heard of a similar joke, but its still had me cracking.

This is probably not that "new" but I just heard it so maybe I am not alone LOL..........



The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "'The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy."
Then she turned to Mary and continued... "And as for you, young lady, I have three things to say...
One… you have a dirty mind.
Two... you didn't read your homework.
And three... one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

Originally Posted by Vasili

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour only."The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back".

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bill looked up, laughing with tears in his eyes and said, "To see your wife"!

That is a very funny joke, but in SPANISH. In English, unfortunately, the punch line is totally lost as it can not be properly translated into a different language. On demand, I can post the original Spanish version.

Originally Posted by germansin

That is a very funny joke, but in SPANISH. In English, unfortunately, the punch line is totally lost as it can not be properly translated into a different language. On demand, I can post the original Spanish version.

Whatever ....

DIVORCE VS. MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the Pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.
The Pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'
The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband. '
The Pharmacist's Eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the Pharmacist's wife.
The Pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription!'

LOL Sounds like something on Candid Camera!

Wrong Email Address

A Minneapolis couple
decided to go to Florida to thaw out during
a particularly
icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their
honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult
to coordinate their travel schedules.

So the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the
following day.

The husband checked into the hotel.. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send
an email to his wife.

However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error,
sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.
He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives
and friends.

After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room,
found his mother on the Floor and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: February
11, 2009

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send
emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then!!!!

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

nice one!
david

......and then the fight started:

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’

I said, ‘Dust.’

And then the fight started…

________________________________________

My wife and I are watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”

“No,” she answered.

I then said, “Is that your final answer?”

She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, “Yes.”

So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And then the fight started.
________________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

My loving wife of 10 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”

And that’s how the fight started…

________________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’

I bought her some bathroom scales.

And then the fight started…

________________________________________

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive… so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started…

________________________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’

And then the fight started….

________________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’

Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’

‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’

And then the fight started…

________________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. “I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.”

He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”

"Nah, she can order for herself.”

And then the fight started…

________________________________________

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’

The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’

And then the fight started…..

Author Unknown LOL



Most people nowadays think it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of 'those moments'.

One that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behaviour.

I don't know whether it's the steady vibration from the car, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, ****, etc.

Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together. I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.

Originally Posted by Vasili

I guess there is too much going on in the Club to notice this thread, huh?

seems like it??

If A Rooster Lays An Egg On The Ridge Of A Roof On A House On The Side Of A Hill. Which Is Facing East Which Side Will The Egg Roll Off?

ROOSTERS DON'T LAY EGGS!!

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on, don't kid me..... you don't even know the way to the Post Office."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of Ápples. The nun made a note, and posted on the Ápple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the Ápples."

Cute one!

Originally Posted by Vasili

Cute one!

Thanks!

Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence or if I'm getting paranoid, but .....

2007 - Chinese year of the chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia

2008 - Chinese year of the horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing.

2009 - Chinese year of the pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs/humans around the globe.

Next year......Oh no!

2010 - Chinese year of the cock - Tell me, what in the hell could possibly go wrong?

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

LOL
Sounds like someone I know!

I went to the doctors last week.
He said "I haven't seen you for ages"
I said " I know, i've been ill"