Thread: The Smile Factory :: VodaJokes & More!

This is the place to find something to make you smile, giggle, laugh yourself out of your chair, and generally lift your spirits!

You can post your joke, riddle, observation, or whatever you think your VodaPeers would enjoy, along with your comments and regular "funny-business" to be shared by all.

The point is to have one thread to always find a smile within the ever-changing Community we share.

***********************************

I'll start with this one:

Bubba went to a psychiatrist. "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy." "Put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears." "How much do you charge?" "Eighty dollars per visit," replied the psychiatrist. "I'll sleep on it," said Bubba. Six months later the psychiatrist met Bubba on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist. "Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money I went and bought me a new pickup!" "Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now."

Who says rednecks are stupid?

Great idea Vasili ....

haha ... good one .... I wonder what the cure for "Ghosts in my closet" might be? lol

Team Canada has me smiling today!!

Dunno.....but here's another one!

BEARS

A Priest, a Pentecostal Preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of the

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the "experience".

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle.. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus"

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

Rabbi Lipschitz looks up and struggles to speak to the others. "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start things out"

hahahahaha

lol
Funny.

Oh, Mr. V thats a good one!

lol funny Vasili

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store.


As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the post office is?"


The little boy replied, "Sure, just go straight down The street a couple of blocks and turn to your right."


The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town, and I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."


The little boy replied with a chuckle, "Awww, come on; you don't even know the way to the post office!"

Marriage (Part I ) Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said:
"No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not."

(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)

************************************************

Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary !

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!"

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!"

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)

*****************************************

Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer to the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)

*****************************************

Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four."

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

*****************************************

THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

"No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not."

lol No 2nd opinion needed on this one ..... uhuh, darn good!!


Good Ones Cindy ....

Good, Cindy.....good ones!
LOL

EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH

Hilarious Cindy....ironic that frigid usually leads to stiffness...hmmmmmmm

Like it.
Are there bets on which member of the VH team this is??.

THE DAM LETTER
Read the whole thing. First is an actual letter sent
to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department
of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. His response is hilarious,
but read the State's letter first.

-----------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of
Environmental Quality that there has been recent
unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel
of property. You have been certified as the legal
landowner and/or contractor who did the following
unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams
across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this
type of activity. A review of the department's files
shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the
Department has determined that this activity is in
violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of
the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act,
Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections
324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws,
annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of
the dams partially failed during a recent rain event,
causing debris and flooding at downstream locations.
We find that dams of this nature are inherently
hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department
therefore orders you to cease and desist all
activities at this location, and to restore the stream
to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and
brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All
restoration work shall be completed no later than
January 31, 2005.

Please notify this office when the restoration has
been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may
be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this
request or any further unauthorized activity on the
site may result in this case being referred for
elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would
appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.
Please feel free to contact me at this office if you
have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price, District Representative
Land and Water Management Division


__________________________________________________ __
** Here is the actual response sent back by Mr.
DeVries: *
__________________________________________________ __

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;
Montcalm County.

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/04 has been handed
to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not
the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A
couple of beavers are in the process of constructing
and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the
outlet stream of my Spring Pond.

While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise
their dam project, I think they would be highly
offended that you call their skillful use of natures
building materials "debris." I would like to challenge
your department to attempt to emulate their dam
project any time and/or any place you choose.

I believe I can safely state there is no way you
could ever match their dam skills, their dam
resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam
persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam
work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are
aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior
to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying
to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or (2)
do you require all beavers throughout this state to
conform to said dam request? If you are not
discriminating against these particular beavers,
through the Freedom of Information Act, I request
completed copies of all those other applicable beaver
dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see
if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland
Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and
Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public
Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101to 324.30113 of
the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is; aren't
the beavers entitled to legal representation ? The
Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are
unable to pay for said representation -- so the State
will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The
Department's dam concern that either one or both of
the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing
flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence,
which the Department is required to protect. In other
words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone
rather than harassing them and calling their dam
names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow
condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are
going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any
attention to your dam letter, they being unable to
read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a
right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the
sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows
downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to
live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of
Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives
up to its name, it should protect the natural
resources(Beavers) and the environment (Beavers'
Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this
dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement
action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2005? The Spring
Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there
will be no way for you or your dam staff to
contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your
attention to a real environmental quality (health)
problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are
actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe
you should be persecuting the defecating bears and
leave the beavers alone. If you are going to
investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The
bears are not careful where they dump!)
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and
being unable to contact you on your dam answering
machine, I am sending this response to your dam
office.

THANK YOU.

RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS

A Dam shame our wonderful Earth is being covered with BS and tons of computer-generated legalese.......and I guess that answers the age-old question of what bears do in the woods....Whoops!


LOLOL

Lol, now that is good!

Shopping For Cars.....

A young lady walked into a Lexus dealership to browse and spotted the most beautiful, perfectly-loaded Lexus.
She walked over to inspect it more closely. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little burst of flatulence escaped her.

Very embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed. There, standing right behind her was a salesman.
With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good Day, Madame. How may I help you today?"
Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you're gonna s*** when you hear the price."

Very Good!!!!

On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed.

On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, Do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't Think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed.

On the third day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the Field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and Give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for Sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty."
And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry And enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."

So that is why:
For the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves;
For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family;
For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren;
and for the last ten years- -

We sit on the front porch and bark at everyone

Life has now been explained to you

i put some tiolet cleaner in the loo the other day then flushed it so then as you probably know it got all bubbles in the loo as it does then i went out of the room and came back a few mins later, then as i went down towards the loo to clean some more i sneezed lol and yes you geussed it my face was full of bubbles and well ............ i donrt want to think, good job i was alone

thought you mite laff at th3 thought of me look an idiot

Liz scores!

LOL

And check out your Forum, Gary.....see?

CONFESSION


A retired Italian wine maker went to the village church to make his confession for the first time in many decades.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, â€Å"Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! You have no need to confess it."

"It's worse than that, Father," he continued. "She quickly started to repay me with sexual favors."

"People in wartime sometimes act in ways they wouldn't under normal conditions. If you are truly sorry for your actions, you are forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. May I ask a question?"

"What, my son?"

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

lol ........ be careful of what lurks in your attic .. lol

Originally Posted by LadyEye

lol ........ be careful of what lurks in your attic .. lol

...or in your heart?

Three statisticians went duck hunting.

A duck was approaching and the first statistician shot, and missed the duck by being a foot too high.

The second shot and was a foot too low.

The third cried, "We hit it!"

LOL
Sounds vaguely familiar.....Oh! That's right! That is our policy on Iraq!!

Uff Da!

There was a family gathering, with all generations around

the table. Mischievous teenagers put a ****** tablet into

Grandpa's drink, and after a while, Grandpa excused

himself because he had to go to the bathroom.


When he returned his trousers were wet all over.



"What happened, Grandpa?" he is asked by his concerned

children.



"Well," he answered, "I don't really know. I had to go

to the bathroom. So, I took it out and started to pee, but

then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back!"

ARGHH!
Just don't sit next to Grandpa!

(or shake his hand)

Good One, General! LOLOL

lol, lots of laughs in this thread.........good ones!

"Child Proofing"

Originally Posted by C L

"Child Proofing"

Must've been a big sale at the mall???

The Knob .... careful ladies .... lol

A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new
procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed at the
top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin
and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the
woman wanted "The Knob."
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and
the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and
vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two
problems.

All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had
to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But
now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these
terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags,
those are your boobs."
She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the
goatee."

lol ...........

Originally Posted by LadyEye

The Knob .... careful ladies .... lol

A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new
procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed at the
top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin
and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the
woman wanted "The Knob."
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and
the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and
vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two
problems.

All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had
to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But
now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these
terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags,
those are your boobs."
She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the
goatee."

lol ...........

ROFLMAO

Negative People:
This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less makes your life miserable.


A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome.


So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.

So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced.

Whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser." You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."


A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class.


The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old
steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great. They'd
just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "That's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a ***** Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked
through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."



"Oh, really! What'd he say?"
"He said, 'Where'd you get the ****ty hairdo?'"

The hairdo was hiding her Knob???

From the Good Fairy to You 'All .... :)


http://i87.photobucket.com/albums/k1...g?t=1169227420

Wet Pants


Come with me to a third grade classroom... ..

There is a nine-year-old kid sitting at his desk and all of a sudden, there
is a puddle between his feet and the front of his pants are wet. He thinks
his heart is going to stop because he cannot possibly imagine how this has
happened.

It has never happened before, and he knows that when the boys find out he
will never hear the end of it. When the girls find out, they'll never speak
to him again as long as he lives.

The boy believes his heart is going to stop. He puts his head down and
prays this prayer,

"Dear God, this is an emergency! I need help now! Five minutes from now I'm
dead meat."

He looks up from his prayer and here comes the teacher with a look in her
eyes that says he has been discovered.

As the teacher is walking toward him, a classmate named Susie is carrying a
goldfish bowl that is filled with water. Susie trips in front of the
teacher and inexplicably dumps the bowl of water in the boy's lap.

The boy pretends to be angry, but all the while is saying to himself,
"Thank you, Lord! Thank you, Lord!"

Now all of a sudden, instead of being the object of ridicule, the boy is
the object of sympathy.

The teacher rushes him downstairs and gives him gym shorts to put on while
his pants dry out.

All the other children are on their hands and knees cleaning up around his
desk.

The sympathy is wonderful, but as life would have it, the ridicule that
should have been his has been transferred to someone else - Susie.

She tries to help, but they tell her to get out. You've done enough, you
klutz!"

Finally, at the end of the day, as they are waiting for the bus, the boy
walks over to Susie and whispers, "You did that on purpose, didn't you?"

Susie whispers back, "I wet my pants once too."

May God help us see the opportunities that are always around us to do good.

Remember.... .Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more
than standing in your garage makes you a car.

I not only love the story --- I love this last quote!

I hope that in the coming years there will be many people with fish bowls
around me.


--
People will forget what you said,
People will forget what you did,
But people will never forget
How you made them feel.

Love the "knob" LE. well I guess that sounds o.k.

Originally Posted by LadyEye

--
People will forget what you said,
People will forget what you did,
But people will never forget
How you made them feel.

So very true, and so simple it is mostly ignored....
I often measure my actions by asking if it will matter in 100 years, and unless it positively impacts others and becomes a living enhancement, there probably won't be any residual benefit and is not a big deal......

Thanks, Holly!

Subject: State Trooper
In most of the United States, there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop down to single digits or below.

About 3 AM, one very cold morning, Trooper Allan Nixon #658 responded to a call there was a car off the shoulder of the road outside Shattuck. He located the car, stuck in deep snow, and with the engine still running.

Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the Trooper walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on the seat beside him.

The driver came awake when the Trooper tapped on the window. Seeing the rotating lights in his rearview mirror, and the State Trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked.

He jerked the gearshift into 'drive' and hit the gas. The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40 and then 50 mph, but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning.

Trooper Nixon, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding, but still stationary car. The driver was Totally freaked, thinking the Trooper was actually keeping up with him.

This goes on for about 30 seconds, then the Trooper yelled, "Pull over!"

The man obeyed, turned his wheel and stopped the engine.

Needless to say, the man from Dumas, Texas was arrested, and is probably still shaking his head over the State Trooper in Oklahoma who could run 50 miles per hour.

Who says Trooper's don't have a sense of humor?

yw Vasili ... tis true though isn't it! .... 100 years ... oh my ... I think that's about 95 more than the standard isn't it?


That's a funny one Liz ...

She's got a million of 'em, I'm sure!

Sharing everything

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."

The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."

Oh this poor golfer .... what a sin .... lol ... (give him a thumbs up, lol)

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning.

The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball

headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.



The ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands

together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll

around in obvious agony.





The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I

could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him earnestly.



"Ummph, oooh, noooo... I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied

breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his

hands together at his crotch.



But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She

gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened

his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage his

privates.



She then asked him, "How does that feel?"



He replied still in agony, "It feels great, but it doesn't do a

thing for my thumb. It still hurts like hell!"

Nice ones Holly......you never stop to amaze us.......lmao

Super jokes everyone!! Heres a little one...

THE 5 STAGES OF A FEMALE'S LIFE
1. To Grow Up
2. To Fill Out
3. To Slim Down
4. To Hold It In
AND
5. To Hell with it

I love them all

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked,
"Is It true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin People to git cancer ?"
"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.
"And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants fer makin th em fat an cloggin their arteries with all Them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"
"Sure is, Bubba."
"And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"
"Yep."
"And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and still couldn't read?"
"That's right," said the lawyer."
"But why are you asking?"
"Well, I was thinkin .. . . What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?"

Good one Bill!

Ovulation Study Results.

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that
the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged
and masculine features.

If she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and duct tape over his mouth while he is on fire.

No further studies expected

Originally Posted by Dream Lady

Super jokes everyone!! Heres a little one...

THE 5 STAGES OF A FEMALE'S LIFE
1. To Grow Up
2. To Fill Out
3. To Slim Down
4. To Hold It In
AND
5. To Hell with it

IT is SOOO great to reach stage 5!

Originally Posted by bill2006

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked,
"Is It true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin People to git cancer ?"
"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.
"And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants fer makin th em fat an cloggin their arteries with all Them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"
"Sure is, Bubba."
"And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"
"Yep."
"And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and still couldn't read?"
"That's right," said the lawyer."
"But why are you asking?"
"Well, I was thinkin .. . . What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?"

Do you have the name of that lawyer

Originally Posted by circuspet.com

Do you have the name of that lawyer

Just because he can spell and speak in complete sentences? Come on, Rob.....wait until you hear his answer to Bubbas' question at least!

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.


An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my d*** <edited: tallywhacker>", he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone!" The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't pee out of it," he replied.

OK Rob, here's another lawyer joke just for you:

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.
"May I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, "South Carolina."
"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."


The moral of the story is that there are three things in life that are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

Very good

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their
usual park bench one morning.
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and
wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's! stamina
and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said "Well, I eat rye bread every day.
It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great
stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the
bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he
needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"


She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you
like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves.

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves..by the time you get
to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard"

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the
world knows about this but me."

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland. One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.The Reverend wasn't happy!
He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. "Miss Fitzgerald," he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oy mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fluff."

The landlord nodded and said, "Ah well, if you're that far in, ye might as well finish."

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.
She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.
She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.

The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats, exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...

Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up.

It was not very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"

"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.

"Well, what are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer.

"Oh, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.

All of you are on a roll!!! These are great!!

lol

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while "the lights would turn off." Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.

"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out." "Now, how about that drink?"

HOW TO HANDLE A BAD DAY!

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

Years ago, I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!"

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced in Virginia , I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said,

"Hi, this is John Smith from Bell Atlantic. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our new Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back win dow, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

He said, "Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax . The car's parked right out in front."

I asked, "What's your name?"

He said, "My name is Don Hansen,"

I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

He said, "I'm home every evening after five."

I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

He said, "Yes?"
I said, "Don, you're an asshole!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1.

He said, "Hello."

I said, "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah,"

He screamed, "Stop calling me,"

I said, "Make me,"

He asked, "Who are you?"

I said, "My name is Don Hansen."

He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?"

I said, "Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax . I have a black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2.

He said, "Hello?"

I said, "Hello, asshole,"

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

I said, "You'll what?"

He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass,"

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax .

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the **** out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better......

Anger management really does work...

Bill & Liz !! Getting better all the time!! LOL
Here's another culled from my daily email avalanche:

This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills! If you skip any, you have to read the last one!
Unbelievable, but supposedly all true!!!!

1.
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...

2.
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....

3.
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

4.
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.

5.
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

6.
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.

7.
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

8.
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...

9.
Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in *****, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

10.
Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

11.
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

12.
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

13.
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

14.
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."

And last but not least...

15.
Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager"
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

Oh Vasili I did appreciate these!

This is a true story - I walked into the IT office one day and heard one of my oh so patient ICT Support Officers on the phone. Of course I only heard one side of the phone call .....

Support: You just swtched on your computer and its making a funny noise?
.........
Okay - can you hold your phone closer to the computer so I can hear the noise?
..........
Do you by any chance have something resting on your keyboard?
........
That's okay - no problem at all. We're here to help.


Trish and Support collapse laughing!

You know....it was less than 15 years ago that this genre of humor was even distributable......amazing.....technology has evolved, but human nature has not.

lol, lol, lol

Hi, Robyn! Have any chuckles to share?

Two good ole boys over in Newfoundland were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.

After a while the first guy says to the second, "If I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin',and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The second guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it sure would make us even."

A carload of hunters, on holiday, were looking for a place to hunt, pulled into a farmer's yard in County Waterford, Ireland. The driver, Brannagh, went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt on the farmer's land.

The old farmer said, 'Sure you can hunt, but would you be doing me a favour? That old donkey standing over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I don't have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me?'

Brannagh replied, 'Of course I will,' and strolled back to the car.

While walking back, however, Brannagh decided to play a trick on his hunting friends. He got into the car and when they asked if the farmer had said if it was alright, he said, 'No, we can't hunt here, but I'm going to teach that old fellow a lesson he won't forget.'

With that, the Irishman rolled down his window, stuck his gun out and shot the donkey. As he shouted, 'To be sure, that will teach him,' a second shot rang out from the passenger side and one of his hunting mates yelled, 'And me, begorrah, I got the cow.'

Sixth grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Molly stood up angrily, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll get fired!"

She sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again. "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Molly's mouthfell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonnaget in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore Molly and asked the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Jimmy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Jimmy."
Then she turned to Molly and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
First, you have a dirty mind.
Second, you didn't read your homework.
And third, one day you are going to be VERY, VERY disappointed!!!"

Wow. Did the JokeStream dry up or something?

I will post a few new ones later on...

Originally Posted by Vasili

Wow. Did the JokeStream dry up or something?

I will post a few new ones later on...

lol that's funny .... hee hee

Originally Posted by LadyEye

lol that's funny .... hee hee

What? Are you watching late night, or now that it is morning, is the neighbor getting the paper in his shorts again?
What? What?

Originally Posted by Vasili

What? Are you watching late night, or now that it is morning, is the neighbor getting the paper in his shorts again?
What? What?

lol .... Neither ... It's the "All Night Show" lol ...
59th wind for today I might say ... oh my ....
I don't like my neighbor, he is nasty ... so I really don't want to know what's in his shorts ... lol

Now THAT was funny.....

u think .....

I thought it was a rather "short" one .... lol ....

It's always the "shorts" that get the Male Species ....

hee hee

You guys are good! I love them all. Here is a video that was sent to me. I thought it was cute.

www.journeysadmin.com/MOTHEROFTHEYEAR.wmv

lol Cindy ... there's nothing like learning from experience eh!!

I'll bet that did the trick .... no more fits ... lol

He said ….I don't know why you wear a bra; you've
got nothing to put in it.
She said .. . You wear pants don't you?

He said .. . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . That's a good idea - you stand by the
ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.....

On a wall in a ladies room . .. "My husband follows
me everywhere" Written just below it . " I do not"

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the
world does it take to do the dishes?

• Both of them.

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.

Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.

Q How many men does it take to change a roll of
toilet paper?

• We don't know; it has never happened.

OK....here's some more one-liners to brighten your day! Rodney Dangerfiled's Classics, from a buddy living in Thailand....
(At least if you smile, you'll brighten the room!)



My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over.
Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?"
She said, "No, I hate myself now."

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked "Why?" He said "Because you came home early."

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't of had anything to play with.


Actually, that last one reminded me of LadyEye's neighbor!

lol - My neighbour is a Naybob ... lol

This is my favorite ... hilarious ....

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over.
Nobody was home!

Liz,
That was priceless!

LE,
I'm ;ooling for the ironing board now, loved it!

All of you are hilarious... I am going to have to find some jokes to share!

Originally Posted by choco777

Liz,
That was priceless!

LE,
I'm ;ooling for the ironing board now, loved it!

lol Choco ...... hope you have nose plugs, I am sure your wife can attest to that .... phewwwwwwww .... lol .... Bet she can't do that any better than you can iron though, lol ....

Very funny.

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but, here is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says: "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert...can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies:
"It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of Ash I have ever put my pecker in"

Good one Bill ....nice one to hear out loud ... lol

PET RULES
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit &Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a "gazillion" dollars for college.
And finally,
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.