Thread: Tongue Twister

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?" The other guy says, "Well, it just happened It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this clerk with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh' so she socked me a good one."

The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said, "You ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fat-a**ed, b**ch."

laughing

An American tourist goes on a trip to China.

While there, he is sexually promiscuous and doesn't use a condom.

A week after arriving home, he finds his penis is covered with bright green spots. Horrified, he goes to see his doctor.

Days later the doctor calls and says, "I've got bad news. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare. We know little about it. We have to amputate your penis."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring he'll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines him and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD."

"What can you do?" asks the man. "My American doctor wants to amputate!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid American doctors always want to operate. Make more money that way. No need to operate!"

"Oh, thank God!" the man replies.

"Yes!" says the Chinese doctor. "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself!"

A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it.

After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."

"How current is your copy?" he asks.

"I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies, "why do you ask?"

"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."

"I'm glad to hear that," Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"

The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Humm, well there was this one time when I was driving down a road and I saw a group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl.

I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of them harassing this poor woman.

Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy, 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears.

As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next."

"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron.

Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, "Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!"

St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?"

"About three minutes ago."

A husband wrote a letter for his wife to find:

To My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, with your
54 years, can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value you
as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you
will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening
with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be
perturbed - I shall be back home before midnight."

When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room
table:

My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like to
take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At
the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I
will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach, who, like
your secretary, is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and
with your excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are
in the same situation, although with one small difference. 18 goes into
54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be back
before lunchtime tomorrow."

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes
of our time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered
vacuum cleaners. "Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!"
and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged
his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my
demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her
hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this
horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."


The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good
appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

excellent

Subject: when nuns go bad


A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye... It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought...

Soon he sees another sign, which says:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real... Then

he drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive...
On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small
sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell... The door is answered by a nun
in a long black habit who asks,

"What may we do for you, my son?"... He answers, "I saw your signs long the highway and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son, please follow me." He is led through many inding passages and is soon quite disoriented...

The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door"... He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, "Please place £100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway".

He gets £100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns' cup... He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him

.. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE - YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS -

SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?

Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Lady 1: Where did you get it?

Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

"Doesn't matter, son, as long as it fits a Camel."

Keep them clean guys

A group of blondes walk into a bar. One of the women tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them. The gals lift their glasses and toast, "Here's to 51 days!" and they proceed to down their drinks.

Once again, they tell the bartender to "line 'em up", and again they toast to 51 days and down their drinks.

The bartender said, "I don't get it. Why in the world are you toasting to 51 days?"

One of the blondes explained, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle that had written on the box 2-4 years and we finished it in 51 days".

A blonde walked into a computer shop and asked for curtains, the shopkeeper
asks why do u want curtains, and the blonde says because iv got windows on
my computer.