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> > As another year will shortly be a memory, my heartfelt appreciation goes
> > out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me
> > "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe,
> > secure, blessed, and wealthy.
> >
> > Extra thanks for the ones that I have to open 15 times to get to the
> > message.
> >
> > Special thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat **** in the glue on
> > envelopes 'cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to
> > seal an envelope.
> >
> > Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. Because
> > of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove
> > toilet stains.
> >
> > I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
> >
> > I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
> > pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
> >
> > I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
> > water buffalo on a hot day.
> >
> > I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a
> > perfume sample and rob me.
> >
> > I no longer receive packages from, nor send packages by UPS, or FedEx,
> > since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
> >
> > I no longer answer the phone, because someone will ask me to dial a
> > number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica,Uganda,
> > Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
> >
> > I no longer eat KFC, because their "chickens" are actually horrible
> > mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
> >
> > I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my
> > free replacement pair from ****.
> >
> > I no longer worry about my soul, because at last count I have 363,214
> > angels looking out for me.
> >
> > Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I
> > forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
> > minutes.
> >
> > I no longer have any savings, because I gave it to a sick girl who is
> > about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time)
> >
> > I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive
> > the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in
> > their special email program.
> >
> > Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now
> > return the favor!
> >
> > If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7
> > minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your
> > head at 5:00 PM (EDT) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it
> > actually happened to a friend of mine's next door neighbor's
> > ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.
> >
> > Have a very HAPPY NEW YEAR!*"*
> > out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me
> > "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe,
> > secure, blessed, and wealthy.
> >
> > Extra thanks for the ones that I have to open 15 times to get to the
> > message.
> >
> > Special thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat **** in the glue on
> > envelopes 'cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to
> > seal an envelope.
> >
> > Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. Because
> > of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove
> > toilet stains.
> >
> > I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
> >
> > I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
> > pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
> >
> > I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
> > water buffalo on a hot day.
> >
> > I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a
> > perfume sample and rob me.
> >
> > I no longer receive packages from, nor send packages by UPS, or FedEx,
> > since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
> >
> > I no longer answer the phone, because someone will ask me to dial a
> > number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica,Uganda,
> > Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
> >
> > I no longer eat KFC, because their "chickens" are actually horrible
> > mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
> >
> > I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my
> > free replacement pair from ****.
> >
> > I no longer worry about my soul, because at last count I have 363,214
> > angels looking out for me.
> >
> > Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I
> > forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
> > minutes.
> >
> > I no longer have any savings, because I gave it to a sick girl who is
> > about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time)
> >
> > I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive
> > the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in
> > their special email program.
> >
> > Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now
> > return the favor!
> >
> > If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7
> > minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your
> > head at 5:00 PM (EDT) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it
> > actually happened to a friend of mine's next door neighbor's
> > ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.
> >
> > Have a very HAPPY NEW YEAR!*"*
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