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Thread: Message from the Queen
      
   

  1. #1
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    Default Message from the Queen

    To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth� IIIn light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:(You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.)1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide.� You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as "colour", "favour", "labour" and "neighbour." Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut" without skipping half the letters,� and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'.� Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.� (look up "vocabulary").3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter "u" and the elimination of� -ize.4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse.� If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse.6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.� Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect.� At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.8. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.� Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of� known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.� South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.� American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.� Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer.� Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).� Don't try rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America.� Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.� You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.God Save the Queen!PS: Go ahead and share this with your friends in the USA (those with a good sense of humour and NOT humor.)

  2. #2
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    Default Re: Message from the Queen

    Ann,

    I thought this was funny but my wife (a British expat) is still laughing! ( Funniest bit? - We're building roundabouts in Sedona and my wife can't go to the grocery store and back without commenting on all the idiots trying to navigate them properly.)

    She's sending this to all her friends in the UK.

    Very good! Thanks for sharing.... :)
    Ken

    If there hadn't been women we'd still be squatting in a cave eating raw meat, because we made civilization in order to impress our girl friends. And they tolerated it and let us go ahead and play with our toys. Orson Wells

  3. #3
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    Default Re: Message from the Queen

    and "CATSUP" will now be called "KETCHUP" as catsup sounds like a drink for *****'s and if you leave out the 'U' probably tastes like that too!

    As I'm about to post my 20th - "please note the 3rd. rank in the British army is 'Sergeant' and all ranks that are not the same as those of HM Forces will be deleted and/or changed as necessary"

  4. #4
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    Default Re: Message from the Queen

    There you go - the word for a British baby cat in the USA is obviously a rude word!!!

  5. #5
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    Default Re: Message from the Queen

    Goda laugh out that one!

  6. #6
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    Default Re: Message from the Queen

    Well, at least we won't have to call the 2nd floor of a building the 1st floor!
    I do like the idea about Congress though! But I hope Her Majesty is prepared to build lots of prisons for all these unemployed congressman who wouldn't know how to make a honest living.

    I'll also tell you a little story about aluminium that I was told years ago. I retired from Alcoa and spent many years in the corporate office and this story was told to me by a long time employee. Supposedly the reason was that when Charles Martin Hall and Arthur Vining Davis first started the company in Pennsylvania in the 1870's they had little money. They ordered stationery and when it was received they noticed the 'i' was left out and they did not have the money to have it reprinted. So they kept it. This, it was then known as the Aluminum Company of America,
    I"m not guaranteeing this is the truth, but it made a good story anyway.

  7. #7
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    Default Re: Message from the Queen

    And while I think about it you will make Ketchup from tomato.... that's
    tom-ahh-toe.
    You will sit on your 'BUMS' not your F****** (I won't go into that!) at the 'CINEMA' - where you watch a 'FILM'.
    You will eat COURGETTES not ZUCCHINI and only eat Turkey at Christmas.
    You will have rain all the way through the summer, the leaves will fall in AUTUMN and the practice of 'TRICK or TREAT' will be abolished as it is becoming a pain in the bum, over here!

  8. #8
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    Default Re: Message from the Queen

    The british are coming, the british are coming. lol
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]Joe
    Funny Jokes and Redneck Pics

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    "laughter is the best medicine"
    The most wasted of all days is one without laughter. ~e.e. cummings

  9. #9
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    Default Re: Message from the Queen

    We have "Traffic Circles" in quite a few places around here.. but i think they happened by accident.. going around some farmers flower patch...And yes.. the ones ive seen in the states quite a few have trouble navigating.. although it does keep traffic moving instead of backing up for those left turns.

    Karen

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  10. #10
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    Default Re: Message from the Queen

    LOL... you're all gonna have to start wearing your 'pants' as intended... UNDER your trousers!
    Don't aim for success if you want it; just do what you love and believe in, and it will come naturally.

  11. #11
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    Default Re: Message from the Queen

    and wear your 'shorts' over your 'pants'

  12. #12
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    Default Re: Message from the Queen

    Karen Williams
    Your Belief is Your Reality

  13. #13
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    Default Re: Message from the Queen

    Solved it all!
    All the nice Brits are moving to the US (New England sounds nice) We will then leave all our prisoners & undesirables behind. We will ship all US undesirables & prisoners to the UK, & have the navy patrol the seas to avoid escape. Or just leave half a dozen Scots behind to deal with them all.
    The Brits did some thing similar years ago by sending thousands of prisoners to some place on the other side of the world, & its now quite a nice palace called Australia. So it must work?


  14. #14
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    Default Re: Message from the Queen

    Do we have to take Gordon Brown?

  15. #15
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    Default Re: Message from the Queen

    Do we have to take Gordon Brown?
    No! All politicians will be left behind & the US one's sent over to keep them company.

  16. #16
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    Default Re: Message from the Queen

    Can I still have coffee at 4 in the afternoon I don't realy like tea.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]Joe
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    "laughter is the best medicine"
    The most wasted of all days is one without laughter. ~e.e. cummings

  17. #17
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    Default Re: Message from the Queen

    It won't be a great loss of all the politicians!! I not sure you want all us americans talking, (or trying) like you on the other side of the pond. That might make for another new language.
    Thanks Ann that was good.
    Mike

    Any excuse for non performance only weakens the charactor

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  18. #18
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    Default Re: Message from the Queen

    Joe?
    Can I still have coffee at 4 in the afternoon I don't realy like tea.(!)

    Certainly not - coffee is only for the mid morning. It would never do to drink it at tea time. That's why it's called Tea Time!

  19. #19
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    Default Re: Message from the Queen

    Quote Originally Posted by karenwms63 View Post
    Can't be to bad we haven't had one for 7 and a half years.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]Joe
    Funny Jokes and Redneck Pics

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    "laughter is the best medicine"
    The most wasted of all days is one without laughter. ~e.e. cummings

  20. #20
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    Default Re: Message from the Queen

    I won.t tell anyone that I will have coffee at 4 if you don't tell anyone
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]Joe
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    "laughter is the best medicine"
    The most wasted of all days is one without laughter. ~e.e. cummings

  21. #21
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    Default Re: Message from the Queen

    10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.

    Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.

    South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.

    American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.


    lmbo!

  22. #22
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    Default Re: Message from the Queen

    LMBO...still laughing to much to leave further comments...LOL....(crying tears from all the laughter).
    Beezz
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  23. #23
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    Default Re: Message from the Queen

    Quote Originally Posted by asirimarco View Post
    A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
    This has got to be one of the saddest, yet most funny parts of this post!
    Karen Williams
    Your Belief is Your Reality

  24. #24
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    Default Re: Message from the Queen

    Hi Patsy,

    You will sit on your 'BUMS' not your F****** (I won't go into that!) at the 'CINEMA' - where you watch a 'FILM'.

    Probably not many Americans know what you're referring to here but I do :)
    Ken

    If there hadn't been women we'd still be squatting in a cave eating raw meat, because we made civilization in order to impress our girl friends. And they tolerated it and let us go ahead and play with our toys. Orson Wells

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