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  1. #1
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    Talking THE SMILE FACTORY III - VodaJokes & More!

    This is the place to find something to make you smile, giggle, laugh yourself out of your chair, and generally lift your spirits!

    You can post your joke, riddle, observation, or whatever you think your VodaPeers would enjoy, along with your comments and regular "funny-business" to be shared by all.

    The point is to have one thread to always find a smile within the ever-changing Community we share.

    ***********************************

    No RULES, really, other than:
    1. Keep everyting "PG" Rated, so not to offend anyone and to best represent our Community (as our Forums are cached across the entire Net)
    2. Create SMILES, not Frowns!

    ***********************************

    I'll start with this one:

    Bubba went to a psychiatrist. "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy." "Put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears." "How much do you charge?" "Eighty dollars per visit," replied the psychiatrist. "I'll sleep on it," said Bubba. Six months later the psychiatrist met Bubba on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist. "Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money I went and bought me a new pickup!" "Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now."

    Who says rednecks are stupid?

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    Default Re: THE SMILE FACTORY III - VodaJokes & More!

    BEARS

    A Priest, a Pentecostal Preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of the


    One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

    One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

    Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the "experience".

    Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

    Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle.. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus"

    They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

    Rabbi Lipschitz looks up and struggles to speak to the others. "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start things out"
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    Default Re: THE SMILE FACTORY III - VodaJokes & More!

    A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store.


    As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the post office is?"



    The little boy replied, "Sure, just go straight down The street a couple of
    blocks and turn to your right."


    The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town,
    and I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."


    The little boy replied with a chuckle, "Awww, come on; you don't even know the way to the post office!"
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    Wink Re: THE SMILE FACTORY III - VodaJokes & More!

    Shopping For Cars.....

    A young lady walked into a Lexus dealership to browse and spotted the most beautiful, perfectly-loaded Lexus.
    She walked over to inspect it more closely. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little burst of flatulence escaped her.

    Very embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed. There, standing right behind her was a salesman.
    With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good Day, Madame. How may I help you today?"
    Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

    Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you're gonna s*** when you hear the price."
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    Default Re: THE SMILE FACTORY III - VodaJokes & More!

    On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."
    The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed.

    On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, Do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
    The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't Think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed.

    On the third day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the Field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and Give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."
    The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for Sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty."
    And God agreed again.

    On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry And enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years."

    Man said, "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"
    "Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."

    So that is why:
    For the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves;
    For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family;
    For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren;
    and for the last ten years- -
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    Default Re: THE SMILE FACTORY III - VodaJokes & More!

    CONFESSION


    A retired Italian wine maker went to the village church to make his confession for the first time in many decades.

    When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, â€Å"Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. I hid her in my attic."

    The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! You have no need to confess it."

    "It's worse than that, Father," he continued. "She quickly started to repay me with sexual favors."

    "People in wartime sometimes act in ways they wouldn't under normal conditions. If you are truly sorry for your actions, you are forgiven."

    "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. May I ask a question?"

    "What, my son?"

    "Should I tell her the war is over?"
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    Default Re: THE SMILE FACTORY III - VodaJokes & More!

    Negative People:
    This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less makes your life miserable.


    A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome.

    So, how are you getting there?"
    "We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
    "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.

    So, where are you staying in Rome?"
    "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
    "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced.

    Whatcha doing when you get there?"
    "We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser." You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

    A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class.

    The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old
    steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great. They'd
    just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

    "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "That's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a ***** Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked
    through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

    "Oh, really! What'd he say?"
    "He said, 'Where'd you get the ****ty hairdo?'"
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    Default Re: THE SMILE FACTORY III - VodaJokes & More!

    A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago."

    He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

    "Well", she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it's the men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

    Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you, I don't even know your name."

    "Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends all call me Bubba."
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    Thumbs up Re: THE SMILE FACTORY III - VodaJokes & More!

    Quote Originally Posted by PapaBiker View Post
    Glad to see The SMILE FACTORY back, General! You have been missed ...
    Good ones!
    (Most of mine are pretty much inappropriate to post)
    Thanks, Ian!

    Seems like a very quiet bunch nowadays .... so unlike the VodaTalk that once was ..... will no one share a Smile of their own?
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    Default Re: THE SMILE FACTORY III - VodaJokes & More!

    Sorry! I didn't hear that ... would you mind posting a little louder?
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    Default Re: THE SMILE FACTORY III - VodaJokes & More!

    Anyone been around to remember this when it came out?

    It became commonplace for us to simply provide a link to it to reply to the numerous posts ... Wonder why we stopped doing that??

    >> http://www.vodahost.com/vodatalk/84502-post1.html
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    Default Re: THE SMILE FACTORY III - VodaJokes & More!

    Why Americans Should Never Be Allowed To Travel
    The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:

    I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that his or her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

    A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

    I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. "Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click.

    A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
    I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map.
    "

    Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

    A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

    A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

    I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

    A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

    A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

    A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

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    Default Grandma’s boyfriend

    Grandma’s boyfriend
    5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his
    toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,
    "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa`s gone
    to heaven?"

    Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom
    and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and
    the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

    Grandma turned on the TV, but the reception was terrible. She started
    adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she
    started hitting the back of the TV set hoping to fix the problem.

    The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door
    and there stood Grandma's local church minister.
    The minister said,
    "Hello son, is your Grandma home?"

    The little boy replied,
    "Yeah, she's in the bedroom banging her boyfriend !"


    Regards

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    Default Re: THE SMILE FACTORY III - VodaJokes & More!

    Uff da!
    Good ones, Manny!
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    Default The Priest and the Rabbi....

    A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he woudn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he would stay with him for a little while and show him what to do.

    The rabbi came and he and the priest were in the confessional.
    A few minutes later, a woman came in and said, "Father, forgive me, for I have sinned.' The priest asked, "What did you do?" The woman said, "I committed adultery"
    Priest: "How many times?"
    Woman: "Three times"
    Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put £5 in the poor box and go and sin no more"

    A few minutes later a man entered the confessional. He said, "Father, forgive me, for I have sinned"
    Priest: "What did you do?"
    Man: "I committed adultery"
    Priest: "How many times?"
    Man: "Three times"
    Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put £5 in the poor box and go and sin no more"

    The rabbi told the priest thet he'd got the hang of it so the priest left. A few minutes later another woman entered and said, "Father, forgive me, for I have sinned"
    Rabbi: "What did you do?"
    Woman: "I committed adultery"
    Rabbi: "How many times?"
    Woman: "Once"
    Rabbi: "Go and do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for £5"

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    Default Humorous Caddy Remarks.....lol

    TEN BEST REMARKS BY A CADDY:

    10.
    Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
    Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

    9.
    Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
    Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

    8.
    Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
    Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

    7.
    Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
    Caddy: "Eventually."

    6.
    Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
    Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

    5.
    Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
    Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

    4.
    Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
    Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

    3.
    Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
    Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

    2.
    Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
    Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

    ...and the #1 best caddy comment

    1.
    Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
    Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

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    Talking Random thoughts

    RANDOM THOUGHTS

    1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he
    was God and I didn't

    2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

    3. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

    4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them..... for now!

    5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

    6. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

    7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

    8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

    9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

    10. I'm not a complete idiot --Some parts are missing.

    11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

    12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning
    medicine.

    13. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

    14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

    15. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

    16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

    17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

    18. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

    19. Procrastinate Now!

    20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

    21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

    22. STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!

    23. HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

    24. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
    BP: SHOW ME DA MONEY!

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    Default Re: THE SMILE FACTORY III - VodaJokes & More!

    Quote Originally Posted by Vasili View Post
    Anyone been around to remember this when it came out?

    It became commonplace for us to simply provide a link to it to reply to the numerous posts ... Wonder why we stopped doing that??

    >> http://www.vodahost.com/vodatalk/84502-post1.html
    LOL! Just passing by for a quick visit and picked this up. I sure remember this - and Racefan! Ahh, the good old days! :)

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    Wink Re: THE SMILE FACTORY III - VodaJokes & More!

    Quote Originally Posted by limebrook1 View Post
    LOL! Just passing by for a quick visit and picked this up. I sure remember this - and Racefan! Ahh, the good old days! :)
    Hey, Cutie! Sure missed you!
    Hope all is well across the miles .... you should connect on Facebook with me.
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